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You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.


Mitch Hedberg

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You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG You may fool all the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all the time; but...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN We don't know all the truth! We only know all the lies!
ANTHONY T.HINCKS Don't belive what others tell you. You belive in what you belive; there is nothing better.
LYNDA HERNANDEZ The soul that is within me no man can degrade.
FREDERICK DOUGLAS I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people and you've got dumb people.
KEANU REEVES Seek always for the answer within. Be not influenced by those around you, by their thoughts or their...
EILEEN CADDY The thing I realize is, that it's not what you take, it's what you leave.
JENNIFER NIVEN If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art...
ANSARI No more duty can be urged upon those who are entering the great theater of life than simple loyalty ...
EDWIN HUBBEL CHAPIN Where talent is a dwarf, self-esteem is a giant. - Conceits and Caprices.
J. PETIT-SENN You can say that you dont care what anyone thinks about you, but in the end, its all that really mat...
TIFFANY GARLAND Because of what you have done the heavens have become a part of man's world. And as you talk to us f...
RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON I have never been contained except I made the prison.
MARY EVANS The only thing I leave alone is the ceiling, because white contains all the wavelengths of the visib...
JENNIFER NIVEN, ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES I don’t need to worry that Finch and I never filmed our wanderings. It’s okay that we didn’t c...
JENNIFER NIVEN, ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES The Nest Houses aren’t there. It’s dark by the time I stop in downtown New Harmony, with its bri...
JENNIFER NIVEN, ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES Right now, he crosses his arms and frowns at me.

“Is it true you almost drowned Roamer...
JENNIFER NIVEN, ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES It’s okay to laugh, you know. The earth’s not going to split open. You’re not going to hell. B...
JENNIFER NIVEN, ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES The thing is, there are good days and bad days. I feel almost guilty saying they aren't all bad.
JENNIFER NIVEN You are all the colors in one, at full brightness.
JENNIFER NEVIN If that blue could stay for ever; if that hole could remain for ever." There was nothing to make him...
JENNIFER NIVEN Only after the last tree has been cut down,only after the last river has been poisoned,only after th...
THE CREE PEOPLE I record all night and sleep all day.
DAMIAN MARLEY I'd rather work all night and sleep all day... perhaps I was a mole in my last incarnation.
IDA LUPINO I had such a good time at the show. I love to laugh and all of the people on the tour were so funny....
LAURA STANKIEWICZ You can't be all things to all people.
JOSEPH ABBOUD I walk through the black Indiana night, under a ceiling of stars, and think about the phrase "elegan...
JENNIFER NIVEN I spent the last month looking at special teams film, mornings and afternoons. Go home at night and ...
BOBBY APRIL The reason I was angry all the time was that Gloria Steinem and all those people, without reading my...
CAMILLE PAGLIA When the fishmongers are all buying at the same price, you can bet they were all drinking at the sam...
ROBERT JORDAN And I think that at a certain point, after all the time and all the conjecture and everything that h...
WILL ARNETT The great thing about this life of ours is that you can be someone different to everybody.
JENNIFER NIVEN Lovely is a lovely word that should be used more often.
JENNIFER NIVEN If a song's meant to stay around, you carry it with you in your bones.
JENNIFER NIVEN Seriously", Macey snapped. "go. Kiss. A baby"
"can you believe her?" Preston asked, coking his ...
ALLY CARTER Never say no to sex
P.C. CAST I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fo...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN You may deceive all the people part of the time, and part of the people all the time, but not all th...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN All my life, people have been underestimating me.
HUGH CAREY If you can't please yourself some of the time, how do you expect to please people all the time? Not ...
ANTHONY LICCIONE The events that happen in our lives make us who we are ,we can either give in to them and let them w...
GARY F EVANS... You can fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN The only presence I ever truly need is the presence of God!
DEDRICK D. L. PITTER I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu...
ANTHONY JESELNIK Well, if you don't want me to show you affection in public-"
"Do," he interrupted. "Please. Tou...
HEATHER CREWS You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you ca...
PHINEAS T. BARNUM Everything about Andrew was hot, from the hands holding him down to the mouth steadily taking Neil a...
NORA SAKAVIC You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN Photographs are just light and time" - Aza Holmes
JOHN GREEN No one's place in this world is guaranteed. Not everyone is going to get a happy ending. But life is...
JENNY TROUT The problem with people is they forget that most of the time it's the small things that count.
JENNIFER NIVEN The problem with people is they forget that most of the time it's the small things that count. Every...
JENNIFER NIVEN True terror isn’t being scared; it’s not having a choice on the matter.
JOHN GREEN She was so mean that she even killed her own name, and now people just pointed to her.
MAGGIE STIEFVATER I is the hardest word to define.
JOHN GREEN Break hearts, not promises.
JOHN GREEN Our trade opens to all the world.
EZRA STILES There were a lot of transients. People would be coming in and out at all hours of the night.
GEORGE REYES Being present is being connected to All Things.
S. KELLEY HARRELL, M. DIV. You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, ...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN Those were some of the best pitches he threw all night. Matt just has to realize Todd's pretty good....
MIKE MATHENY If you get all the facts, your judgment can be right; if you don't get all the facts, it can'...
BERNARD BARUCH You look at all those people and realize that they've all done the same thing and they've all made i...
KATHY LANGSTON Not," Swift said firmly, "for all the tea in China."
"That expression has never made sense to m...
LISA KLEYPAS George Jones was my all-time favorite singer and one of my favorite people in the world.
DOLLY PARTON I've sung other people's music all my life.
ADAM LAMBERT You can fool some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN You can fool some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN You can intimidate some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but not a...
RICHARD POUND The primary victims of Katrina, those who were given the least help by the government, those rescued...
JONATHAN KOZOL You never knew the last time you were seeing someone. You didn't know when the last argument happene...
J.R. WARD The truth of the world is that in every group you will find some good and some bad people - which is...
CHRISTINA ENGELA We have now reached hypersonic speed technological advances have excelled since the sixties in 20 ye...
GARY F EVANS... I enjoyed my time in the WRAF. There were plenty of people at the airfields where I worked, and they...
FLORENCE GREEN Please, all you MCs out there, all you fans out there, don't think Big gonna make a record dissi...
THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G. If I was Judge Del Rosario, I would say Ili, of all people, you know better.
DUANE CHAPMAN One night last summer, all the killers in my head assembled on a stage in Massachusetts to sing show...
SARAH VOWELL You can hurt some of the people some of the time, you never can hurt all the people all the time but...
DEBASISH MRIDHA When we have a true sense of what psychology is we can then see why it gives us an insight not only ...
GARY F EVANS... turns me on so loud it's like no sound, everybody yelling at me hands over their ears from behind a ...
KEN KESEY You can stay up all night and still not count all the ways to lose the people you love.
JODI PICOULT Those people at the present time are not being followed up but all of those people probably need to ...
BILL CLARK A person often saying ‘I LOVE YOU ALL’ to the people is just ensuring merely oneself each time t...
ANUJ SOMANY that your power of command
with simple language was
one of the magnificent things of
...
CHARLES BUKOWSKI some moments are nice, some are
nicer, some are even worth
writing
about.
CHARLES BUKOWSKI If you can lay off all those people at GM and still have 66,000 new jobs created last month, that's ...
MAUREEN ALLYN We all want to be great, but we don’t want people to know we want to be great.
VIKRANT PARSAI Poverty affects people of all races.
BILL BENNETT You can fool some people sometimes, but you can't fool all the people all the time.
BOB MARLEY Because it's not a lie if it's how you feel.
JENNIFER NIVEN We never really talked much or even looked at each other, but it didn't matter because we were looki...
JOHN GREEN You are driving me crazy. You have been driving me crazy for weeks.
JENNIFER NIVEN You saved my life. Why couldn't I save yours?
JENNIFER NIVEN Adults think they're wielding power, but really power is wielding them
JOHN GREEN It takes very little to govern good people. Very little. And bad people cant be governed at all. Or ...
CORMAC MCCARTHY All for all, always.
MARTHA N. BECK People were in the bleachers standing up, they seemed really excited. Last year... we never had (eve...
LEIA BIHOLAR

More Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable
MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM