Wild Turkey is my friend. Old friends can meet any time. They're easy together like that. I poured myself a large one and lit a Benny. Brunch.

Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

— Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

— Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

— Tommy Cooper

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

— Tommy Cooper

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

— Tommy Cooper