Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Wild Turkey is my friend. Old friends can meet any time. They're easy together like that. I poured myself a large one and lit a Benny. Brunch.