When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.

A bitter man needs to place his troubles on the front of his tongue so that they taste sweeter.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

The contrast between the friendly greeting and the weapons propped against their shoulders is almost humorous.

Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.