When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Time is 18 years.''

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.