What a nice night for an evening.


Steven Wright

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I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
DAVID CROSS
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
DARYNDA JONES
I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN
The first game was interesting. We had a four-run lead and squandered it, but Daly puts up zeros, De...
MIKE TRAPASSO
Good morning, Good afternoon, Good evening, Good night an Amazing day.
THOMAS FLAJNIK - ANTICHIMERAPODAL
Not an evening dress, but a dress you can wear with boots and also dress up at night.
KATRINA SZISH
When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'T...
MIKE BIRBIGLIA
Dodger Stadium is not an antique. It's not Frank Lloyd Wright. It's a nice place to play bas...
ALAN CASDEN
My grandfather Frank Lloyd Wright wore a red sash on his wedding night. That is glamour!
ANNE BAXTER
That's a fun, really nice part of the evening.
CINDY JAMES
I play the music of Steven
for Steven;
ragged, helpless,
it owns me, enveloping me STASIA WARD KEHOE
What if you built a carport, but for a plane, and with a Frank Lloyd Wright feel?
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Sweet the coming on / Of grateful evening mild; then silent night / With this her solemn bird and th...
JOHN MILTON
The gentleman lived right behind me and I heard nothing all night. It was another quiet evening. It'...
DOUGLAS AKRES
We don't have enough room for evening aerobics, because the Scouts are using that space at night.
PAUL VERSNIK
It's a different approach nowadays. That's why it's nice to see players like David Wright come into ...
WILLIE RANDOLPH
He's a great, great recruit for Wright State.
DAVE HOOVER
I want to do an album with Steven Seagal.
ACTION BRONSON
This is a nice evening for a bunch of people who have all been doing good things over the years. It'...
ANGELINA JOLIE
He liked however the open shutters; he opened everywhere those Mrs. Muldoon had closed, closing them...
HENRY JAMES
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
GEORGE CARLIN
I love to watch the fine mist of the night come on,
The windows and the stars illumined, one b...
CHARLES BAUDELAIRE
This evening or this night, Christ opens the door to the pope.
BISHOP ANGELO COMASTRI
We've decided to put Sunday night back, without alcohol, and make it a family, family, family evenin...
DAVE ECKBERG
Remove alcohol from that evening, and you end up with everyone making their way home that night, uni...
JANET BAKER
I expect the audience will come away having enjoyed a nice light evening of great dancing.
AMY WOLFE
After a really hectic week, I hate going out on a Friday evening, so I'll always opt for a night...
DONNA AIR
That's Venus, September thought. She was the goddess of love. It's nice that love comes on first thi...
CATHERYNNE M. VALENTE
You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.
RICKY GERVAIS
You can sing Gershwin for an entire evening and have an orchestra play Gershwin for an entire evenin...
ROSEMARY CLOONEY
Be the girl you want your daughter to be. Be the girl you want your son to date. Be classy, be smart...
GERMANY KENT
What we have is a nice blend of players. We can have a night where a few players are off but someone...
DAVE HOOVER
It was always kind of an interesting a place at night. To hop the fence and be in that quirky place,...
FRANK CHILD
Things went right for us tonight. The kids did a nice job on Senior Night.
JASON STEVENSON
It was evening here, But upon earth the very noon of night.
DANTE ("DANTE ALIGHIERI")
Wright-Ward was the player of the game for them. She was one of the three stars, getting a few goals...
BRIAN DUROCHER
It's nice to finally win one. (River Run head professional) Clint (Wright) runs great tournaments, a...
JIM STONE
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the e...
STEPHEN WRIGHT
Good morning, good evening and good night. Let your day start, continue and end with a smile.
KISHAN S CHAUHAN
Wright has an exceptionally strong leg, and he could really be something for them. While Ohio State ...
DUANE LONG
The one thing about the open concept is that there's only one wall. We wanted to have an entertainme...
CLIFF MOSES
Playing at home under the lights definitely establishes a rhythm for us because when we're on the ro...
JULIE ORLOWSKI
Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness.
POPPY Z. BRITE
It's night and day. That evening we spent in there to this afternoon that we're talking right now. T...
DAVE DAGOSTINO
I had an absolutely, extraordinarily unpleasant evening last night trying to get there, ... I had al...
GWYNETH PALTROW
Kyle Wright was a warrior.
ERIC WINSTON
I'd love to knock an audience cold with one note, but what do you do for the rest of the evening...
ERIC CLAPTON
Look out your window, and what do you see? Le Corbusier, not Wright.
WALTER ISAACSON
Steven is such an asset to this orchestra. Because he and I view so many aspects of music-making the...
GEORGE HANSON
The opportunity to decieve others is ever present and often tempting, and each instance of deception...
SAM HARRIS
Steven has a role in one of the spots for that campaign. His participation in the Interns spots is r...
BOB KAUFMAN
Steven has a role in one of the spots for that campaign. His participation in the Interns spots is r...
BOB KAUFMAN
But... watching Steven Barnes taught me to treat my life like an art form.
LARRY NIVEN
An Evening in Margarititaville,
MAIN STREET
My grandmother took me to church on Sunday all day long, every Sunday into the night. Then Monday ev...
MAYA ANGELOU
They got a good hockey team over there and they battle hard every night. It's nice to get an extra p...
DEREK ARMSTRONG
It's nice to have something we can do together as a family. The music's great. He brings a variety o...
BRIAN FORS
Love can make even nice people do awful things.
JUDE DEVERAUX
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.
WILLIAM BLAKE
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker, can gain a reputation for being c...
OSCAR WILDE
We had settled down for a cozy Saturday evening, had a nice dinner, and I was just going to clean up...
HALDIS GUNDERSEN
I really enjoyed the night game. We had a nice crowd.
GARY COLLINS
Brad had a real nice night at the free-throw line.
BILL PROCHNOW
Beneath the milk-white thorn that scents the evening gale. from the poem The Cotter’s Saturday Ni...
ROBERT BURNS
Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.
MARY C. CROWLEY
The companion of an evening, and the companion for life, require very different qualifications.
SAMUEL RICHARDSON
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stock broker, can gain a reputation for being ...
OSCAR WILDE
It was nice for a change not having to worry about how cold it got at night. The dogs had plenty of ...
JOANNE SCHOCH
Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many medio...
DREAMS FOR AN INSOMNIAC
Each morning sees some task begun, each evening sees it close; Something attempted, something done, ...
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
...if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is impo...
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG
I always wear a dinner jacket. I never have this definition of what goes for the morning or the even...
ALBER ELBAZ
If we all took a minute to reflect upon the wrong we do we would be quite surprised or shocked.Inste...
GARY F EVANS...
Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is useful information if you're moving out ...
RON DARIAN
The man I am today it's not the man of yesterday
CHRISTOPHER FUDGE
is a broken man an outlaw?"

"More or less." Brienne answered.

Septon Meribald ...
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
The summer sun continued to rise in the sky and propel shocks of heat down on the city and the heavy...
HUBERT SELBY JR.
Lady Utterword: What a lovely night! It seems made for us. Hector: The night takes no interest in us...
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
We didn't play well enough against an outstanding opponent. Give them credit for what they did … I...
BRIAN BILLICK
Once you get an offer from Steven Soderbergh, you just do anything you can to make it fit.
CATE BLANCHETT
There are hundreds of Frank Lloyd Wright buildings around the United States and in other countries, ...
JANE SMILEY
Be able to suffer wearing a necktie or slightly high heels for an entire evening without complaint o...
MARILYN VOS SAVANT
This is an evening of wonders, indeed!
JANE AUSTEN
An eye for an eye may make the whole world blind, but a punishment you feel makes it all the more re...
DAN BASS
May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night and a smooth road all the way...
IRISH BLESSINGS
Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
Since we start in the afternoon, we will go into the evening. And this is the first time that the pu...
RON GIBSON
We need to know that a dark night is always followed by a nice morning
SUNDAY ADELAJA
I love Robin Wright's character in 'House of Cards' because she's a bona fide villai...
GILLIAN FLYNN
Steven Spielberg was my childhood hero.
RIHANNA
I wanted evening to be strong even with an absence of color. There are separates, tight pants with c...
YUKIO KOBAYASHI
The Academy Awards was an amazing night. I know I kind of lost my mind a little bit. I apologize for...
CUBA GOODING, JR.
Wellington has improved things since then. We now have a specialist on in the evening but we still d...
DEBORAH POWELL
His sister picked up a lot of the slack for care of his mom. His nephew, Daniel Miller, helped keep ...
AMANDA SMITH
It is an expansion of what are we are doing already. A very nice expansion.
LOU MANCINI
Rediscovering Early Flight Through a Lens: Photographing the 'Wright Experience'
WILBUR WRIGHT
We knew we had to put some pressure (on Wright) tonight for us to win,
KAMERION WIMBLEY
Sometimes it's nice just being in your own room and having a quiet night and relaxing and gettin...
PATRICK KANE

More Steven Wright

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str...
STEVEN WRIGHT
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT
At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT
So, do you live around here often?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t...
STEVEN WRIGHT
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT
How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT
What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT
What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT
The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT
In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT
The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT
Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT