FastSaying

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.


Steven Wright

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I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
DAVID CROSS A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
DARYNDA JONES We even sent them a certified letter but they won't pick it up.
JULIAN KURTZ I had a lady who sent me a letter, ... She went on to describe how she and her husband [had sex] to ...
CLAY AIKEN Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEPHEN WRIGHT The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA I stayed up most of last night. I've cried as much as a guy can cry. I don't know what's going to ha...
DAVE HOULE The first game was interesting. We had a four-run lead and squandered it, but Daly puts up zeros, De...
MIKE TRAPASSO Old people whimper, and cry, and belch, and make great hollow rumbling sounds at table; old people w...
EDWARD ALBEE It was awesome. Everything was catered to us, we stayed in a different hotel every night ? and we go...
JUSTIN CHOW I do know that I don't want to wake him.

We were up very late last night.
TAHEREH MAFI I know he played on the last record but I don't wake up in the middle of the night thinking of Eric ...
JACK BRUCE Both teams got really tired out there. That's because we were playing until exhaustion. They played ...
BEN GORDON We were talking about how old quarterbacks can't throw before 10 am... Practice starts too early for...
DAN MARINO I wake in the night. Or sometimes I don't wake in the night. It hardly seems to make a difference.
NICCI FRENCH I know he played on the last record but I don't wake up in the middle of the night thinking of E...
JACK BRUCE Just recently I got a request for a proclamation in Volusia County for a gentleman that became 80 ye...
FRANK BRUNO St. Louis is a good example of a vibrant city. Having stayed in a hotel in 2011 overlooking Cardinal...
BRAD FELD When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or yo...
RODNEY DANGERFIELD We were talking about how old quarterbacks can't throw before 10 am... Practice starts too early...
DAN MARINO Thy letter sent to prove me, Inflicts no sense of wrong; No longer wilt thou love me,-- ...
HEINRICH HEINE I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I...
ELLEN DEGENERES He sent in a letter asking to be relieved for health reasons,
JOSEPH GALANTE I can't imagine he would have stayed up so late the night before a Test match.
MICHAEL ATHERTON A fan sent me a letter and a $10 bill. It's a short letter - all she said was, 'Hey, since i...
ZAC EFRON You can wake me up now - these last four weeks in America have been incredible.
KIM CLIJSTERS People get pissed off when you get successful. I was with someone last night who opened a hotel in L...
MICHAEL GRUBER Nonsense. Young boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older, and then before y...
J.M. BARRIE I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it.
ERIN JONES [They were treated with a letter that warned about consequences for] disruptive behavior, foul/abusi...
GARY BOYD I recently stayed in a hotel in southern China where the sign at the front desk read 'Please don't s...
ED GENOCHIO We're in Albuquerque, New Mexico, right now, and last night we found this great restaurant that is d...
CLINT BLACK Bill just sent [Robbins] away for a while. We sent him away from the hotel this morning.
BRUCE ALLEN We stayed up all night and partied all night for the craziest event in school history. I didn't slee...
CRAIG BERMAN Now, in the middle of the night, you hear me wake up in this cold sweat going, 'Bond, James Bond',
BURT REYNOLDS I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
MARK TWAIN I followed a girl I met in Japan to Los Angeles and ended up working in a motorcycle store. I quit t...
NORMAN REEDUS I'm really looking forward to playing in Copenhagen again. Last time I stayed as long as I could...
GEORGE DUKE Sonorous metal blowing martial sounds, At which the universal host up sent A shout that tore h...
JOHN MILTON They were a physical team. They were skilled all over the place. Last year was our wake-up call.
CHRIS YODER I find myself daydreaming about him when I wake up in the morning, in school when something reminds ...
SIMONE ELKELES I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
MARK TWAIN I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
MARK TWAIN Imagine life as a game, a game that is filled with obstacles and hazards to overcome but sometimes y...
GARY F EVANS... One's ideas must be as broad as Nature if they are to interpret Nature
ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE I remember Sir Alex sent me a letter of congratulation when we won the Champions League, praising th...
RAFA BENITEZ It's as if you stayed up one full night.
MARK ROSEKIND I found that letter at my doorstep this morning [Friday]. I think the letter is from him because the...
OLIVER LOZANO Death in my mind isn't a finality. There's a continuum: It's like at night, you go to sleep and in t...
DAVID LYNCH I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the...
MUHAMMAD ALI I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I...
ELLEN DEGENERES He brings the greatest conflict into the history of mankind. He will come soon to our world just lik...
TOBA BETA I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
MARK TWAIN When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'T...
MIKE BIRBIGLIA I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before...
MUHAMMAD ALI Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
EVELYN HENDRICKSON I talked to his family last night. They gave me a call. It made me fell like a million bucks. They s...
MARK HEBRINK I met India Arie, who is one of my favorite artists of all time. It was really sweet; I was broken u...
ARIANA GRANDE I can get moody sometimes when I wake up after a nap - I'm like a four-year-old.
ED WESTWICK France is an old country that needs to wake up.
MELANIE LAURENT My mother never gave up one me. I messed up in school so much they were sending me home, but my moth...
DENZEL WASHINGTON I wake up in a different state every day, but that's important to me.
ETHAN ZOHN Water came in and then the ceiling collapsed. We were really shaken up last night.
BEVERLY JOHNSON I dream at night and then I live the dream when I wake up.
LUIS F. GOUVEIA They sent me the script and I was really charmed by it and I signed on.
CYNTHIA NIXON I stayed up last night and watched the Republican Convention all night long. I watched all of them t...
CASEY STENGEL He strapped a video camera to the hood of his car and we drove around while he filmed us smashing th...
JOHN WATERS People were in the bleachers standing up, they seemed really excited. Last year... we never had (eve...
LEIA BIHOLAR A letter has been sent to the football league and football federation asking that they look into the...
RAFAEL MARQUEZ Thing was' he faced them, and Harry was astonished to see that he was grinning, 'they bit of a bit m...
J.K. ROWLING I have about a dozen cassettes lying about which I use in random order. Very often, I pick up a cass...
TOM STOPPARD I told all the players last night and they were really happy for me. It's a great feeling. Rachael i...
ANDREW FLINTOFF A kid can choose not to answer a text message, just like they can choose not to answer an e-mail or ...
BILL MORGAN I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.
AMY SOMMERS Thus have I, Wall, my part discharged so;
And, being done, thus Wall away doth go.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If y...
EMO PHILIPS I thought it was a little odd at the time, so I saved the letter. Then I see the letter on televisio...
TOM LEE Every role is a potential lover. I ask: Are they someone I want to wake up to in the morning and go ...
AUNJANUE ELLIS I didn't hear anything last night. Got up early this morning and the police were there. It's a shock...
DOUGLAS AKRES Sometimes I wake up, I feel like, I'm like 80-years-old.
BAM MARGERA What keeps me up at night? Waking up to a scoop at another newspaper or on TV. I'm probably comp...
ANDREW ROSS SORKIN When I wake up in the morning, I feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl.
LADY GAGA I stayed up watching last night, to see if it passed. I think it's great for the team. It'll bring i...
MARK TEAHEN If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?
CHUCK PALAHNIUK It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I mus...
POPE JOHN XXIII I once received a letter from an old lady in California who informed me that when the tired reader c...
FLANNERY O'CONNOR I think people recognize me if I am going out to dinner or if I am staying in a hotel. They are not ...
EMMA BUNTON (Vollmer) had a super night. He wrestled smart, stayed in good position, worked hard, took his point...
JEFF VON HADEN When I wrote the song, I had the sea near Bombay in mind. We stayed at a hotel by the sea, and the f...
RAY DAVIES I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. She used to wake me up in the middle of the nigh...
MARINA ABRAMOVIC There should be a 'How to sleep at night' and 'How to wake up in the morning' courses for insomniacs...
MJ CHRISTINE My grandfather Frank Lloyd Wright wore a red sash on his wedding night. That is glamour!
ANNE BAXTER The dawn is killing me off, the fog is on the windows, the [ra]coons have robbed the cans, and down ...
HUNTER S. THOMPSON I got into the cab at the hotel to go to dinner with my wife (Kim) and sister (Terry) last night, .....
BRUCE BOCHY When the storm hit, they came to my house. They stayed with me a month or so. Then they stayed about...
GWEN BLOUGH The old restaurant, College Street Station, was really here to serve the hotel guests, and it wasn't...
ROBERT REED We each have a special something we can get only at a special time of our life. like a small flame. ...
HARUKI MURAKAMI

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STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str...
STEVEN WRIGHT A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
STEVEN WRIGHT If God dropped acid, would he see people?
STEVEN WRIGHT I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t...
STEVEN WRIGHT I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
STEVEN WRIGHT I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT So, do you live around here often?
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT