Today I will masterbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!

I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British intelligence. It turns out he only took up residence in 95.

My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.

Private moments held not a candle to coitus, not even the expensive kind of candle that made the whole room smell of far off seasons.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

They say there is other fish in the sea, thats why we masterbait