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This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.


Art Buchwald

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This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday, ... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn'...
ART BUCHWALD This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday. I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't le...
ART BUCHWALD I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.
DAVID ALAN GRIER Let's put it this way: there wouldn't be much point in me attending a high-school reunion no...
CLINT EASTWOOD It's head and heart. I like to feed both. I always wanted to be an actor. But the cultural-intel...
DAN STEVENS I'd be happy to live till 80 as long as I was comfortable and in good health. Mind you, ask me a...
BONNIE TYLER If the Pentagon truly confined itself to providing defense, then presumably we wouldn't need a w...
TIMOTHY NOAH I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT This is a homeland security, national security issue and I think Republicans think they own this iss...
STUART ROTHENBERG I will not read the last page of novels first," I said, and then punched myself in the face.
"...
BRANDON SANDERSON What an artist is trying to do for people is bring them closer to something, because of course art i...
DAVID HOCKNEY I've never hosted a party in my life, not even my own birthday party. I'd feel really uncomf...
ALESSIA CARA I wouldn't want to be Superman. Batman would be cool. But the one I've always wanted to play...
T. J. MILLER So this is going to be drill!?
DEYTH BANGER I wasn't trying to turn graffiti into an art form. I just wanted to learn about art. I wanted to...
BARRY MCGEE We thought this would be a really neat way to celebrate our partnership and acknowledge an art dedic...
CHERYL PALMER Over the past five years, the president has made the right call over and over again. This is one tim...
ERIC UELAND The best way to celebrate Social Security's birthday would be to enact legislation that ensures Amer...
JIM MCCRERY If I were to listen to people all the time when they say, 'Hey, this is a really high challenge,...
GABRIEL E. GOMEZ Do not touch the monkey.
HOMELAND SECURITY When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists... I always have this thought: If we'd made them feel wante...
EDDIE CANTOR More than any woman I ever knew, she comforted.' -Mrs. Huxley about Emma
DEBORAH HEILIGMAN That's silly,' said Martha. 'Friends should always tell each other the truth.
JAMES MARSHALL Kindness is the essence of greatness and the fundamental characteristic of the noblest men and women...
JOSEPH B. WIRTHLIN In this long eternal quest to be more like our Savior, may we try to be “perfect” men and women ...
JEFFREY R. HOLLAND And we learned that you don't have to be famous or rich or physically healthy to be a leader. You ju...
JOAN BAUER There is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today, and to live most fully today, we ...
THOMAS S. MONSON Beauty—real everlasting beauty—lives not on our faces, but in our attitude and our actions. It l...
JUSTINA CHEN I probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for the gay community supporting me. I wouldn...
KIESZA I wouldn't let a biopic be made on me. That's because I don't believe in them. I don'...
LATA MANGESHKAR The only way I get a leading role in a studio picture is if Ryan Gosling can't play it, which is...
DAVID OYELOWO I like to go to anybody else's birthday, and if I'm invited I'm a good guest. But I neve...
MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV I never let them cough. They wouldn't dare.
ETHEL BARRYMORE An agent said he didn't know what to do with me, I wouldn't be able to play any parts but le...
ALLISON JANNEY As the wonderful agony begins for 1964-65, I sometimes wonder why I do it. I've got an insurance...
TOM HEINSOHN Many writers can't make a living. So to be able to teach how to write is valuable to them. But I...
CHINUA ACHEBE I wouldn't mind being like X-Men and having the claws. I mean, I don't think they'd let ...
D'BRICKASHAW FERGUSON Writing doesn't come real easy to me. I couldn't write a novel in a year. It wouldn't be...
CHARLES FRAZIER I wouldn't want to be married to me, but luckily Tom Cruise does.
NICOLE KIDMAN The sad heart needs work to do.
JOAN BAUER Pitchers did me a favor when they knocked me down. It made me more determined. I wouldn't let th...
FRANK ROBINSON I wished that I could have been down there because Paul actually wanted me to do the tour with him, ...
ERIC CARR Growing up with my dad, whenever I wanted to try something, he would let me try it but he wouldn'...
CARLOS PENA, JR. The Homeland Security department doesn't have tasking authority in the intelligence community. T...
DAVID HUNT I didn't know 'Homeland' was going to be 'Homeland.' I just did it because it wa...
DAMIAN LEWIS I didn't want to be an actress. I wasn't trying to be in film or an art gallery for me.
YASMINE AL MASRI I had wanted to write Ghost Country for a long time, but it wouldn't work.
SARA PARETSKY I can't be an ingenue forever, and I wouldn't want to be.
LEA SALONGA Working with the doctors is a fascinating two-way process. I am interested in what they suggest abou...
DANIEL TAMMET I am not very comfortable about dancing at weddings and New Year parties. Maybe it's because of ...
DEEPIKA PADUKONE There are so many Al Anon fans and friends who have shown me wonderful love, prayers, thoughts! I th...
STEVEN ADLER There are actresses who've had expensive work done and look great, so I'm not holier-than-th...
CELIA IMRIE I promised myself I wouldn't work again until I found something that excited me.
EMILY VANCAMP I wouldn't want to go back over my life. I've done it all. I wouldn't have wanted to mis...
ART DONOVAN Let me put it this way: If you're sitting in a movie and you're watching me, and you say, &#...
MICHAEL CAINE A woman can laugh and cry in three seconds and it's not weird. But if a man does it, it's ve...
ROB SCHNEIDER Like the vital rudder of a ship, we have been provided a way to determine the direction we travel. T...
THOMAS S. MONSON There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the p...
EPICTETUS We must be more and more to each other, my dear wife.' -Charles Darwin to wife Emma upon loss of dau...
DEBORAH HEILIGMAN I wish you knew how I value you; and what an inexpressible blessing it is to have one whom one can a...
DEBORAH HEILIGMAN I said, wouldn't it be nice, instead of having these women fight with each other over men, which...
JENNIFER BEALS If I had my way, the woman I marry, she wouldn't be a part of Twitter and she wouldn't be on...
LANCE GROSS Vail's a very important place for me. Everyone kind of took me in and accepted me in that town, ...
LINDSEY VONN You know, let's put it this way, if all the people in Hollywood who have had plastic surgery, if...
MICHAEL JACKSON I went to almost all of the agencies in New York when I first visited. A lot of them wanted to sign ...
GIGI HADID I'd love to be an artist that's multifaceted. At the moment, I am not. But wouldn't that...
ANNE HATHAWAY When I first came out, country wouldn't touch me because I was way too rock, and rock wouldn'...
CARLENE CARTER Al Gore wanted to tell people what they could listen to and what they couldn't, what they could ...
GLENN DANZIG They just wanted to make her birthday special. This is what Chelsea wanted to do.
MARSHA BERRY Auditioning is extremely bizarre. Just being an actor is extremely bizarre, but I wouldn't have ...
ADELAIDE KANE They wouldn't let me into Germany from 1998-2000 because I bumped into the chancellor's daug...
PATRICK CARMAN I wanted to collaborate with someone, but it had to be someone I could work with and who wouldn'...
GEORGE HARRISON I found out that I couldn't have a nervous breakdown. I tried a couple of times, but it just did...
TOM SMOTHERS I like being 30. I wouldn't want to do the twenties again. They are their own entity.
JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS I've never written anything that I haven't wanted to write again. I want to, and still am, w...
AARON SORKIN for homeland security to be effective.
TOM RIDGE Remember that yours is not the only heart that may be wishing for love.
CAMERON DOKEY I wanted to be an animator originally. I went to art school; I went to art college and everything. B...
DAMON WAYANS, JR. I wouldn't have become an engineer, I wouldn't have done what I did, had a hand not been hel...
MICHAEL LEE-CHIN When I was in Japan, everyone wanted to work for Pierre Gagnaire, and they wouldn't miss a beat.
DAVID CHANG Film is a collaborative art form. I don't know why you wouldn't recognize the stunt performe...
DAVID LEITCH When I saw that the journey would snake through Thailand, Laos and Tibet, I knew it would be a perfe...
ABDUL LATIF I wouldn't be young again even if it were possible, but I am not going to pretend that growing o...
RUTH RENDELL My dad didn't have a formal education, but he had a wonderful vocabulary. So in 'Harvest,...
JIM CRACE I decided if you're lucky enough to be alive, you should use each birthday to celebrate what you...
MARY STEENBURGEN There's something about me that suggests I don't have an intelligent atom in me at all. So p...
JENNIFER COOLIDGE If my life depended on being a social-media person in terms of talking myself up, I probably would b...
BABYFACE When I was a kid, the people that used to push other people around, if someone whacked them, then th...
JASON STATHAM It's something I am confident about. It gives me an adrenaline rush - who wouldn't want want...
NARGIS FAKHRI Everyone talks about the big three-oh with dread - but it's exciting. It feels like life is much...
OPHELIA LOVIBOND I always wanted to be a doctor and go to art school, but I thought I'd regret it if I didn't...
KATE ASHFIELD I think you can appreciate different interpretations. Art is not a contest. I can even appreciate he...
JOSHUA BELL Movies are collaborative, and that's part of what makes it a great experience. They're diffe...
CASEY AFFLECK If I couldn't be Dick Van Dyke, I wanted to be Art Carney.
BONNIE HUNT This is why I wanted to be an artist. It may never happen again, but it's happened this one time.
ANGUS MACLACHLAN I have a temper, but I wouldn't call me abusive.
TATUM O'NEAL I wouldn't know how to think inside the box because I don't even know where it is. I wouldn&...
WARIS AHLUWALIA People would love to be rich, but they're looking for the easy way. Who wouldn't want to win...
BRYAN CRANSTON I barely knew I wanted to be an artist. I liked my art classes and painting was fun, I guess, but I ...
EDWARD RUSCHA

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ART VALERO That's as big a reason to report on time as anything. It gives you time to learn from the veterans, ...
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ART MODELL I had to do what I had to do to keep my family alive. Period.
ART MODELL I don't want my grandchildren to go through what I went through.
ART MODELL I do want to go out on top, as a winner.
ART MODELL The pride and presence of a professional football team is far more important than 30 libraries.
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ART HOGAN I think 50 basis points (one-half percentage point) is a credible consensus estimate for what the Fe...
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ART GARFUNKEL We're aware that it has resonance for the times, yes, ... But we chose it because it was the first h...
ART GARFUNKEL I'm the kind of person who can hear that stuff. If you sing along to the radio and you're not going ...
ART GARFUNKEL Right now if a Toyota (plant) came together, there'd be 16 people fighting for them. Competition can...
ART COLLINS Looking ahead, Medtronic is exceptionally well-positioned to maintain its growth momentum, ... Signi...
ART COLLINS We believe that we are picking up the majority of whatever business Guidant couldn't fulfill because...
ART COLLINS The new product pipeline has never been stronger as we plan to introduce significant new therapies t...
ART COLLINS It was good to get out here and see the players bounce around a little bit. We got out of it healthy...
ART BRILES We appreciate their loyalty and thank them for what they've done at the University of Houston.
ART BRILES The quarterback part, to me, is secondary to him as a person. His background, being from West Texas,...
ART BRILES Everything was clicking on both sides of the ball. ...and I think we rode the wave of momentum for a...
ART BRILES He has come out of some great programs and he's been on some great defenses. He was at Alabama four ...
ART BRILES Edwards wanted to follow Wadia and has been on the fast track for quite a while.
ART BOWMAN Salvatore's extremely capable. I'm surprised he didn't get the job permanently.
ART BOWMAN We are reaching a low point in the history of the profession. And as we eventually emerge from this ...
ART BOWMAN Any of the four would be willing to do [a merger] if they were shielded from liability.
ART BOWMAN The scenarios are basically the same. Andersen as we know it is dead whether there is an acquittal o...
ART BOWMAN What ever truth drops on it eventually grinds to a powder.
ART BLAKEY Music washes away the dust of every day life.
ART BLAKEY Jazz is known all over the world as an American musical art form and that's it. No America, no jazz....
ART BLAKEY A name doesn't make the music. It's just called that to differentiate it from other types of music.
ART BLAKEY You can't seperate modern jazz from rock or from rhythm and blues - you can't seperate it. Because t...
ART BLAKEY