There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They’ve already done it. It’s called a nickel.

Did you hear about this story? ... Several Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated after a boat cruise on a lake turned into a wild sex party on this boat. ? What are they, 1-3? One and three. That's the only offensive thing they've done all season, actually.

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.