The reason we're doing this now is because I'm booked to play Pasadena the week of my 100th birthday

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean....Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty