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That's a nice thing about being a topical standup: you can add in things to keep it fresh.


Loni Love

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DUNCAN JONES

More Loni Love

There is nothing like a live performance. You can look at things on television, and you can look at ...
LONI LOVE Miss Britney Spears took a dude that was already with a girl that had babies. And sometimes when you...
LONI LOVE Mom was a nurse's aide. She worked in various hospitals. She took care of us that way, and we at...
LONI LOVE I do talk about celebrity relationships like Kim Kardashian's. I like to find the humor in love.
LONI LOVE I appreciate the audience for checking us as comics.
LONI LOVE I am the funny, crazy person.
LONI LOVE I have a fear of being broke. That's what I have a fear of. I'm not kidding.
LONI LOVE When you're a plus-sized girl, belts are your best friends. I also love bright colors and skirts...
LONI LOVE I don't want to get married - I've been there and done that. So I know what I'm talking ...
LONI LOVE I think that, for so long, there was only one type of actor, and now you see these different colors,...
LONI LOVE I will never say never, but I can tell you right now - I am perfectly happy with being who I am. I j...
LONI LOVE One day, we had a layoff at my job. And I went to my boss, and I said, 'Please save someone else...
LONI LOVE In 'Mother's Day,' which is directed by legendary director Garry Marshall, I play a moth...
LONI LOVE I started by doing a little funny story, and then I started going to open mics. I realized I had a l...
LONI LOVE At my job, my manager had a massive heart attack; we had layoffs. It made me realize that nothing is...
LONI LOVE It's been a long haul. It may seem to some people that have never heard of me, 'Oh she just ...
LONI LOVE If you are a woman with your own money, you have confidence. You have the pick of the litter.
LONI LOVE You men make up these rules, and now you get mad because I'm telling you what a real woman wants...
LONI LOVE I like having peace and quiet in my life, and I am perfectly happy in my relationships.
LONI LOVE Men don't know how to act like men sometimes. Take the trash out. Open up the door. Rub my feet....
LONI LOVE Now that I live in Los Angeles, if I meet somebody from Detroit, it's like there's this brot...
LONI LOVE What helped was that my mother, even though we didn't have a lot of money... allowed me to take ...
LONI LOVE Being in the Girl Scouts took me out of the projects environment and showed me different things.
LONI LOVE What we're trying to do is take these words and soften them. I'm an African-American comic. ...
LONI LOVE As a stand-up comic, you have to do the road.
LONI LOVE Even when I was an engineer, I was a comic on my job. At birthday and holiday parties, I was the one...
LONI LOVE Smoking is related to practically every terrible thing that can happen to you.
LONI ANDERSON Look at any black-and-white movie; everybody is smoking.
LONI ANDERSON I do know the Spelling family. I worked for Aaron Spelling when I was a brunette. I've known the...
LONI ANDERSON As a brunette, I had previously been this serious actress. Then I became a blonde and got to play a ...
LONI ANDERSON I started acting when I was 10, doing musical theater. I was a brunette at that time. I was always c...
LONI ANDERSON Three cigarettes in, your body already craves it. It is that addictive.
LONI ANDERSON I have an education degree from the University of Minnesota, and I was a teacher for about a minute.
LONI ANDERSON If somebody invented cigarettes today, the government would not legalize them.
LONI ANDERSON It's amazing to me that young people will still pick up a cigarette.
LONI ANDERSON Impotence is one of the major hazards of cigarette smoking.
LONI ANDERSON Your lungs are changed forever from your first cigarette.
LONI ANDERSON In the movies, Bette Davis lights two cigarettes and hands the second one to James Cagney. It was ju...
LONI ANDERSON There is no cure for emphysema, but you can start treating it and have a better quality of life.
LONI ANDERSON You're always better off if you quit smoking; it's never too late.
LONI ANDERSON My mom started smoking when she was 11. She went to the hill next door to try her first cigarette. S...
LONI ANDERSON I'd had my daughter when I was a teenager - I took my daughter to college with me.
LONI ANDERSON I talk about acting to students making the transition from high school to UCLA. Kids going into this...
LONI ANDERSON I do know the Spelling family. I worked for Aaron Spelling when I was a brunette. I've known them si...
LONI ANDERSON I am the odd man out in the family.
LONI ANDERSON Almost every person over 45, and definitely those who have ever smoked, should have a spirometry tes...
LONI ANDERSON I don't think you ever go into a marriage to fail.
LONI ANDERSON If you don't really have anything to do with the tabloid person, then it doesn't bother you. I'd rat...
LONI ANDERSON My sister and I are both diagnosed with second-hand smoke syndromes. We have never smoked, but we gr...
LONI ANDERSON We have so much lung capacity that we don't even notice a problem until we are in our 40s.
LONI ANDERSON My grandmother was a teacher, my sister was a teacher, my daughter was a teacher and is now a superi...
LONI ANDERSON I rescued Katie, a black Labrador retriever from West Union, Ohio and at about the same time my husb...
LONI R. BURCHETT They were such an inspiration; Katie always did what she wanted. She was the wanderer and swimmer. B...
LONI R. BURCHETT He would love to be here but I think he would be running around licking everybody, so he is home at ...
LONI R. BURCHETT 'The Replacements' is where I met Jon Favreau, and we just clicked like, you know, like kids...
FAIZON LOVE 'The Replacements' is where I met Jon Favreau, and we just clicked like, you know, like kids...
FAIZON LOVE One of my favorite guys when I was young... I've always loved Bill Cosby. I've always wanted...
FAIZON LOVE President Obama's version of America is a divided one - pitting us against each other based on o...
MIA LOVE The Kurt thing has burdened me so much.
COURTNEY LOVE My mentors are people like Cameron Crowe and Carrie Fisher.
COURTNEY LOVE The Blossoms were actually the first black background singers that did recording sessions in Califor...
DARLENE LOVE The Blossoms had gotten so we were working seven days a week, three or four sessions a day, which wa...
DARLENE LOVE 'True School' is one great big reminder. It's a reminder to everybody in that middle sch...
MONIE LOVE It's not about the words that come out of your mouth. It's about the words that come out of your hea...
LOTUS LOVE AC/DC, Def Leppard, Alice Cooper - I learned stories of all these guys. That's when I fell in lo...
RICO LOVE Pour not on the comforts you want, but upon the mercies you have. Look rather at God's ending in...
CHRISTOPHER LOVE It's just a lot of fun to be able to see your ideas come into fruition. And to see people transl...
RICO LOVE I love playing the Hard Rocks; they've got a great stage, great lighting, great sound, and not s...
MIKE LOVE I think my philosophy in music has been to accentuate the positive.
MIKE LOVE Regardless of the difficulties we may face individually, in our families, in our communities and in ...
MIA LOVE I never expected I would be connected to the Alpha male as some kind of ancillary object, and to thi...
COURTNEY LOVE Keep a cool head and a warm heart.
MIKE LOVE If you look at the history of music, you have classical composers, church music, pop music, etc. Mus...
MIKE LOVE The history of mankind is a history of war.
MIKE LOVE I never thought of myself as a really particularly great singer.
MIKE LOVE I wrote all the lyrics on 'Good Vibrations' and most of them in 'Kokomo.' 'Kokom...
MIKE LOVE Because of the inherent challenges of life on the earth, all of humanity is vulnerable. This is all ...
MIKE LOVE I learned that when you do the best job that you can do, some people will idolize you, others won...
MIKE LOVE As you get older, you either become proactive about staying in shape and taking care of yourself, or...
MIKE LOVE I've had an incredible life with a lot of triumphs, my share of heartbreak, and some pretty amaz...
MIKE LOVE The great thing about getting older is that you get a chance to tell the people in your life who mat...
MIKE LOVE I know there's millions of problems in the world, but if you dwell on those, then you're goi...
MIKE LOVE I've got different things going on - part spiritualist, part humanitarian, part brat.
MIKE LOVE If we all take the time to listen and love each other, this world would be a better place.
MIKE LOVE One of the most important lessons we can glean from the environmental movement is to 'think glob...
MIKE LOVE Barack Obama's class warfare will not work on this Republican nominee. Not in Utah.
MIA LOVE In my real life I live in the countryside, I walk a lot, I shoot clay pigeons, I don't get invol...
NICK LOVE Growing up, I had a front row seat to seeing two people work really hard. My dad scrubbed toilets at...
MIA LOVE Being famous is just like being in high school. But I'm not interested in being the cheerleader....
COURTNEY LOVE The Democrats have come right out and said it: the power of the central government shall have no lim...
MIA LOVE I'm a catalogue artist: I compete with Bob Dylan.
COURTNEY LOVE Learn when and how to use different data structures and their algorithms in your own code. This is h...
ROBERT LOVE Good candidates can arrive at the binary search tree as the right path in a few minutes, and then ta...
ROBERT LOVE I worked with Dionne Warwick, did shows with Bette Midler, and then I did the 25th anniversary of th...
DARLENE LOVE I worked with Dionne Warwick, did shows with Bette Midler, and then I did the 25th anniversary of th...
DARLENE LOVE I think between The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and innumerable acts after that... r...
MIKE LOVE If you ask any couple who have been married 50 years or longer, they will tell you they've exper...
MIKE LOVE The Beach Boys already had about four or five albums under our belt when these newcomers, The Beatle...
MIKE LOVE The original Beach Boys are Brian, Dennis and Carl Wilson, Mike Love, and Alan Jardine.
MIKE LOVE I cannot fire Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. I am not his employer. I do not have such authority....
MIKE LOVE I'm the lead singer of the Beach Boys and an ambassador of this amazing music that touched a gen...
MIKE LOVE The name 'The Beach Boys' is controlled by Brother Records Inc., which was founded by the or...
MIKE LOVE Ever since our Surfin' Safari' began in the early 1960's, the relations'hip with The...
MIKE LOVE I did not fire Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. I cannot fire Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. I a...
MIKE LOVE We came from the '60s era, when we started and made so many hits. The song value from the '6...
MIKE LOVE By 1968, both The Beatles and The Beach Boys had plenty of fame - we were looking for something deep...
MIKE LOVE We've had hassles, ups and downs, ins and outs, failures and triumphs. We're human beings, a...
MIKE LOVE I've got a reputation for doing a certain type of film: lads' movies that glamorise violence...
NICK LOVE I've always wanted to work with Barbra Streisand because she's worked with some of the best ...
DARLENE LOVE I don't mean to be a diva, but some days you wake up and you're Barbara Streisand.
COURTNEY LOVE Mobile devices such as Android and the iPhone achieve their battery life largely because they can ag...
ROBERT LOVE Warren Beatty took an interest in my career at one point.
COURTNEY LOVE The interesting thing about Android's design is how little we modified the kernel.
ROBERT LOVE Summoning my inner Kojak, I tried to convince myself that she would have sat next to me even had the...
ZACK LOVE I like to behave in an extremely normal, wholesome manner for the most part in my daily life. Even i...
COURTNEY LOVE What I want from you is simple. I want today only.

If it’s laughter, I want it. If it�...
D. LOVE Being a rock star is like being a cult leader - you really have to be in your own religion.
COURTNEY LOVE [Kurt Cobain] had a lot of German in him. Some Irish. But no Jew. I think that if he had had a littl...
COURTNEY LOVE It's very destructive in terms of cost to the park.
BOB LOVE We've had instances in the past, but not to this extent. This park is set aside for all citizens in ...
BOB LOVE I've known Isiah since he was a little poor boy on the West Side trying to sneak into the Stadium to...
BOB LOVE There's an old windmill frame at Hope Camp and remnants of an old shack. There's also some old fence...
BOB LOVE We're concerned some of the good owners might be penalized if this is applied too broadly. If the sw...
BOB LOVE I think that hip-hop has done what it was supposed to have done, which is it defied all the laws of ...
MONIE LOVE GPS's battery draining behavior is most noticeable during the initial acquisition of the satelli...
ROBERT LOVE The more downtime we have, the more time you have to play games like 'Ghost Recon Future Soldier...
KEVIN LOVE My dad put up a great hoop in our front yard in our driveway. I was in Oregon, so I had to be out th...
KEVIN LOVE Most Glorious and eternal Majesty, Thou art righteous and holy in all thou dost to the sons of men, ...
CHRISTOPHER LOVE Difficult things aren't easy, but they're worth it.
MIA LOVE GPS is expensive because it is a very slow communication channel - you need to communicate with thre...
ROBERT LOVE Brandy is one of my favorite vocalists. Jay-Z is my favorite emcee outside of Biggie.
RICO LOVE We decided we were really going to look at the survivor side of child abuse. (Cindy Hall) was a surv...
CHERYL LOVE The America I know is great - not because government made it great but because ordinary citizens lik...
MIA LOVE The whole idea is you can't sit around and do nothing. You have to get up and start living one d...
DARLENE LOVE You just have to find a lawyer that won't let you sign certain things - and I mean the fine prin...
DARLENE LOVE The government is not your salvation. The government is not your road to prosperity. Hard work, educ...
MIA LOVE I have spent the last five months obsessively working on Outlaw.
NICK LOVE It's difficult to fathom not having that stadium sold out, ... I think our dilemma is what to do wit...
LISA LOVE I have a very, very good memory, and I always remember the people who have done right by me and the ...
KEVIN LOVE I'm ultimately a widow and a single mother, who's not even getting to be a mother right now....
COURTNEY LOVE This notion that we should just eliminate periods altogether is just crazy,
SUSAN LOVE I am just the classic person who wants to learn stuff. I want good tutors, and with Kurt I had the b...
COURTNEY LOVE Rock is all about writing your own script; it's all about pioneering.
COURTNEY LOVE Drugs have nothing to do with the creation of music. In fact, they are dumb and self indulgent. Kind...
COURTNEY LOVE By using gravity as your tow line, you can sidle up to an asteroid. Maintain it for a year and that ...
STANLEY LOVE I understand working-class culture, tribalism and the ethos of violence, so I make films about these...
NICK LOVE The key to a solid foundation in data structures and algorithms is not an exhaustive survey of every...
ROBERT LOVE because she's really smart, and she's really cool, and, like me, we share the distinction of being t...
COURTNEY LOVE I understand people, and I think that my life and my history and what I represent can relate to a lo...
MIA LOVE For me, it's always easy and great to be connected to St. Jude.
KEVIN LOVE Your body knows how old you are, but if you keep on and you take care of yourself - you know, I go t...
DARLENE LOVE He was so gorgeous... Kurt. I don't know how I got lucky that way.
COURTNEY LOVE Kurt had this dumb suicidal ideation - that's what I called it. I thought if we could live throu...
COURTNEY LOVE I am just the classic person who wants to learn stuff. I want good tutors, and with Kurt I had the b...
COURTNEY LOVE The studio part, to me, can be pretty laborious. You're inside for hours on end and can be prett...
MIKE LOVE Background singers who are any good have to be great imitators.
DARLENE LOVE Nobody put the camera on the background singers who were singing. It was on Stevie Wonder. It was on...
DARLENE LOVE There's a huge problem with odometer tampering, but you usually don't find it with reputable rental ...
DOUGLAS LOVE There's a huge problem with odometer tampering, but you usually don't find it with reputable rental ...
DOUGLAS LOVE We don't mind at all. We all look forward to playing.
AARON LOVE My whole life, I was the underdog. I've got God at the head of my life, so I wasn't worried about be...
AARON LOVE This happened to be my first visit, and I fell in love. Coach 'Bo' [ex-wide receivers coach Bryan Bo...
AARON LOVE It's no secret I was willing to commit to Minnesota for five years. I'm very happy with my c...
KEVIN LOVE We went through ten years of the Limp Bizkit thing, and I didn't know what to do.
COURTNEY LOVE Compounding the cost, most mapping software is processor-intense.
ROBERT LOVE The funny thing about destiny is that you can't predict it, and you can't prevent it.
- Leslie
KATHY LOVE Big Love and More Light!
XxMwaaahhhhXx
K. LOVE I am God and my lawyers are my 12 disciples...do not f**k with me!
COURTNEY LOVE I always say this to people: 'If Shaq can be in the NBA for 19 years and dominate for 19 years u...
RICO LOVE A song is a song and a hit record can change a life.
RICO LOVE There are different things one can do to establish and hasten the peace process. Meditation is one w...
MIKE LOVE Realize you won't master data structures until you are working on a real-world problem and disco...
ROBERT LOVE I don't think I would've been drafted had it not been for my stolen bases last year. I had 78 steals...
NICK LOVE The language of love letters is the same as suicide notes.
COURTNEY LOVE What are the Democrats, the party of Jim Matheson, telling them? The message of the Democrats is tha...
MIA LOVE For, though every man has sin in him seminally, yet there are some sins which by nature he is more i...
CHRISTOPHER LOVE Then tell me Mark, how can I do it? How do I watch her life fade everyday but not hurt? How do I con...
D. LOVE Without the trial, you would not have had the OEMs so openly embrace other platforms.
RANSOM LOVE I know you are a woman of sorrowful spirit, yet be comforted, though you sorrows be great for you hu...
CHRISTOPHER LOVE If the Lord should bring a wicked man to heaven, heaven would be hell to him; for he who loves not g...
CHRISTOPHER LOVE I'm kind of a dirty guy, a little Bill Laimbeer-ish. Those are the guys I used to watch growing ...
KEVIN LOVE I'm driven. I am. I'm driven for some reason. But I don't know where I'm going.
COURTNEY LOVE I like to behave in an extremely normal, wholesome manner for the most part in my daily life. Even i...
COURTNEY LOVE Only dumb people are happy.
COURTNEY LOVE Juliet: We've never got friendly. I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I'm nice, I really am...
LOVE ACTUALLY Prime Minister: [on the phone to his sister] I'm very busy and important. How can I help you?
LOVE ACTUALLY Mia: I'll just be hanging round the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
LOVE ACTUALLY Jamie: It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It is the saddest pa...
LOVE ACTUALLY No one's ever going to shag you if you cry all the time.
LOVE ACTUALLY When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on bo...
LOVE ACTUALLY Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
LOVE ACTUALLY Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airpo...
LOVE ACTUALLY Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, an...
LOVE ACTUALLY Pray in your family daily, that yours may be in the number of the families who call upon God.
CHRISTOPHER LOVE Watch out for those cars owned by salesmen or servicemen. Any educated consumer can look at a car an...
DOUGLAS LOVE I've seen your revulsion and it looks real good on you...
COURTNEY LOVE An acquaintance of my husband with a long criminal record and a record of mental illness walked into...
COURTNEY LOVE I don't mean to be a diva, but some days you wake up and you're Barbara Streisand.
COURTNEY LOVE When you find your heart secure, presumptuous and proud, then pour upon corruption more than grace: ...
CHRISTOPHER LOVE shrink-wrapped cheesecake.
COURTNEY LOVE