That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.

You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I’ll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.

You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.

On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.