Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

Scientist announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, "I can't afford those kind of phone bills."

This cowardly, back-tracking, fast-talking, slick character, to me, is probably the most imitated character and persona that's in comedy.

Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.