Jim Gaffigan
Related ALLEN WEST RACHEL CUSK When the prospects of fame fortune bring thought to a life of no worry, it brings other worries in t... GARY F EVANS... If we all took a minute to reflect upon the wrong we do we would be quite surprised or shocked.Inste... GARY F EVANS... BETHENNY FRANKEL PAUL REISER JANE KACZMAREK How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful. EVANS G. VALENS BETHENNY FRANKEL Only fools wait, and only tools bait. CRE There are approximately two trillion cells in the human body. You are never alone, there are always ... DWIGHT W. HAYES A.A. MILNE Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and s... CARTER CROCKER GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Maybe that's what praying is all about. Maybe it's not just asking God to forgive us for bad things ... SARAH DARER LITTMAN (All the grief she had suffered over her lifetime had moulded her face into a mask of eternal sadnes... JEAN SASSON Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is useful information if you're moving out ... RON DARIAN The man I am today it's not the man of yesterday CHRISTOPHER FUDGE GEORGE R.R. MARTIN HUBERT SELBY JR. HALLE BERRY EARTHA KITT A lot of teenagers write to me and say "I want to write a book. I want to get published." And those ... MAUREEN JOHNSON JEAN KERR CRAIG GROESCHEL JOAN POWERS A.A. MILNE E.M. FORSTER A.A. MILNE A.A. MILNE People themselves makes a lots of mistakes and still loves himself,
and they never forget a single m... OM BENIWAL You can not change what happened or bring back the past. But you can change the future by being stro... DR ANIL KUMAR SINHA My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is li... NATASHA LEGGERO I like the word 'fuck'. The word means what it means, but it also means whatever you need it to mean... LISA GLATT I'm proof that, even after having a baby, you can look better and sexier than ever! KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN One day a little chicken was being mocked by the other chickens,because she was small and they were ... GARY F EVANS... Unsubscribe from should-a, would-a, could-a MICHAEL H. DANSBURY A successful teacher is one who has atleast 2 students in his class, one who sees no reason to study... APURVA GAGLANI R. BUCKMINSTER FULLER CHAIM POTOK ARTHUR MILLER Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good. MINOR MYERS MAE WEST HELENA RUBINSTEIN LESLIE MCINTYRE DEBORAH KERR PETRONIUS HELEN LAWRENSON CLARE BOOTHE LUCE BETTY GRABLE JOSEPH CONRAD WASHINGTON IRVING GILDA RADNER [He considers me] just a uterus with legs. MARY BETH WHITEHEAD EMMA CLINE A coin is examined, and only after careful deliberation, given to a beggar, whereas a child is flung... PETER WESSEL ZAPFFE JOHN GREEN We'll do a little training and then we'll return next year as champions. It's just the satisfaction ... BARBARA RAY UNKNOWN DEYTH BANGER J.D. SALINGER J.D. SALINGER ROBERT A. HEINLEIN Would you want you as a friend? PETER STROPLE It should not be surprised by seeing in our weird world that the people for enjoying own bread can a... ANUJ SOMANY Everyone out there is using you for their entertainment and what you mostly need is to be entertainm... SUPERNA BATHEJA A godmother is always there and genuine.The help she has given will never be forgotten but will glis... GARY F EVANS... If tomorrow was yesterday then yesterday would be tomorrow, if we think about the past why not think... GARY F EVANS... Start seeing a way for yourself. Stop seeing a way for others. APURVA GAGLANI BRET EASTON ELLIS The scientific method gives us
information by testing and repeating observable things so that we
can... LEWIS N. ROE DEYTH BANGER SALMAN RUSHDIE Having a dog is going to be almost imperative for success. DAVE MITCHELL There's the 'right way' and the 'usual way'. UFUOMA APOKI When I'm training a dog, I develop a relationship with that dog. He's my buddy, and I want t... IAN DUNBAR For me, my life is a journey. JAY ELECTRONICA CHARLES BUKOWSKI NUNO BETTENCOURT MARILYN MANSON What will make you a star is in you SOTONYE ANGA blackmagic on a person
http://www.astrodost.com/how-to-do-black-magic-on-a-person
blackmagic on a pe... ASTRODOST BRIAN BLESSED If you think that life is a celebration full of party poppers and merry go rounds it's not it's a ga... GARY F EVANS... DEYTH BANGER DEYTH BANGER To trust someone you must firstly remember that it is a two way street that will go all the way if y... GARY F EVANS... ARTHUR MILLER A small change can make a big difference. You are the only one who can make our world a better place... ANKITA SINGHAL STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY That one moment when you know you are not a sad story. You are ALIVE. STEPHAN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY STEPHEN CHBOSKY
More Jim Gaffigan
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize l... JIM GAFFIGAN When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatev... JIM GAFFIGAN Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of... JIM GAFFIGAN Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's w... JIM GAFFIGAN Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a ... JIM GAFFIGAN Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food.... JIM GAFFIGAN You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a b... JIM GAFFIGAN As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter wha... JIM GAFFIGAN I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you alwa... JIM GAFFIGAN You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them?... JIM GAFFIGAN Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently d... JIM GAFFIGAN Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've go... JIM GAFFIGAN I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not... JIM GAFFIGAN It does piss me off when Angelina won't stop calling. JIM GAFFIGAN Welcome to New York JIM GAFFIGAN For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening... JIM GAFFIGAN "I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand t... JIM GAFFIGAN "I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you alw... JIM GAFFIGAN "You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them... JIM GAFFIGAN I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand th... JIM GAFFIGAN I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, ... JIM GAFFIGAN I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield. JIM GAFFIGAN I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservati... JIM GAFFIGAN Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being... JIM GAFFIGAN Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings... JIM GAFFIGAN I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan. JIM GAFFIGAN I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs... JIM GAFFIGAN In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and... JIM GAFFIGAN CASHIER: Are you a member of our club?JIM GAFFIGAN JIM MORRISON JIM ROHN JIM MORRISON JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM RAMSTAD I wanted to make an Indian character who wasn't either a) the savage that must be eliminated, th... JIM JARMUSCH JIM MORRISON JIM ROHN JIM MORRISON JIM MORRISON JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM LEE I always received much more satisfaction as a defense attorney in obtaining an acquittal for a clien... JIM GARRISON I derive no pleasure from prosecuting a man, even though I know he's guilty; do you think I coul... JIM GARRISON The head of the CIA, it seems to me, would think long and hard before he admitted that former employ... JIM GARRISON This kind of charge reveals a good deal about the personality of the people who make it; to impute s... JIM GARRISON I'm not in the business of harassing anybody. JIM GARRISON It's rather naive, apart from being ethically objectionable, to assume that our investigators tr... JIM GARRISON My office has been one of the most scrupulous in the country with regard to the protection of indivi... JIM GARRISON It is important to know who killed Jack Kennedy and why. JIM GARRISON Until as recently as November of 1966, I had complete faith in the Warren Report. Of course, my fait... JIM GARRISON It has been my policy not to respond to each of the many canards which have been part of the campaig... JIM GARRISON It would certainly be interesting to know what the CIA knew about Oswald six weeks before the assass... JIM GARRISON I'm convinced from what I know of Vernon Bundy that his testimony was truthful. JIM GARRISON I'm afraid, based on my own experience, that fascism will come to America in the name of nationa... JIM GARRISON I ran for Congress in 1996 to help Ted Kennedy pass a comprehensive health insurance reform bill. JIM MCGOVERN I thought Iraq was the wrong war at the wrong time and have been fighting to get the Administration ... JIM MCGOVERN In 2005, I was the first member of Congress to introduce legislation calling for an immediate withdr... JIM MCGOVERN A large majority of Americans believe that corporations exert too much influence on our daily lives ... JIM MCGOVERN Corporations are created by the people, acting through their governments. We grant them corporate ch... JIM MCGOVERN JIM CARREY JIM BROWN JIM CARREY JIM MORRISON JIM ROHN I suspect that most people in the world will travel through or at least wish to travel through Miami... JIM DRAIN JIM RAMSTAD I go out and take oysters, clams and mussels every 2 weeks or so during late fall, winter and early ... JIM HIMES JIM ROHN JIM CRACE JIM MORRISON Tens of thousands of brave Americans died to break the chains of British tyranny so that the princip... JIM GERLACH JIM HARRISON JIM WEBB JIM BROWN JIM COOPER JIM ROHN JIM BROWN JIM BROWN JIM LOEHR Yet only the atrocities of the conquered are referred to as criminal acts; those of the conqueror ar... JIM FERGUS I looked at her, with her hair spilled out on the pillows and the warmth of her body warming mine. A... JIM THOMPSON British actors come at acting from a slightly different angle. Because a lot of the films are cast o... JIM STURGESS With new jobs, new ideas, and growing confidence that our brightest days lie ahead, Wisconsin is on ... JIM DOYLE I like reflecting the culture I understand best, spotting the idiosyncrasies of British people and r... JIM BROADBENT During school, I'd advertise cars in the University of British Columbia newspaper. JIM PATTISON JIM LEE JIM COSTA JIM ROGERS Long gone are the days when hospital stays and surgeries made up the bulk of seniors' annual med... JIM GERLACH JIM RYUN JIM CARREY JIM BUTCHER There's enormous progressive activism and, more often than not, success at the grassroots level ... JIM HIGHTOWER What created democracy was Thomas Paine and Shays' Rebellion, the suffragists and the abolitioni... JIM HIGHTOWER JIM RAMSTAD JIM LEHRER JIM CARREY JIM LEHRER JIM HARRISON JIM BACKUS JIM FOWLER JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN In fact, the Iraqi foreign minister admitted in March 2003 that Iraqi funds were sent to families of... JIM GERLACH JIM BISHOP JIM BROWN JIM MORRISON A loving family provides the foundation children need to succeed, and strong families with a man and... JIM BUNNING errand is getting a tank of gas or picking up a carton of milk or something. It is not<... JIM BUTCHER We started Vector with the goal of creating a development platform that would foster and bolster the... JIM CANTRELL JIM CRACE Come on, Come on, and there'll be no turning back. You were only killing time and it can kill you ri... JIM STEINMAN JIM RYUN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN As a kid, I just loved cartoons. And as the credits went by, I'd study those names and then try ... JIM CUMMINGS A lot of poets too live on the margins of social acceptance, they certainly aren't in it for the... JIM JARMUSCH JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN Productivity is being able to do things that you were never able to do before. JIM MANZI JIM HENSON JIM MORRISON JIM BUTCHER JIM MORRISON JIM HENSON JIM BUTCHER JIM MORRISON JIM MORRISON JIM BUTCHER JIM HENSON JIM DAVIS JIM BUTCHER JIM BUTCHER
I do not believe having a baby is punishment. 
It's a pretty brutal process, having a baby. 
The only way I'm interested in having a baby is the old-fashioned way. 
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption. 
For me, there's a big difference between having a baby in your 20s and having a baby in your 40s... 
I like showing moms what it's really like having a baby, and how it's not Hollywood life. 
When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing w... 
History is a wheel, for the nature of man is fundamentally unchanging. What has happened before will... 
is a broken man an outlaw?"
The summer sun continued to rise in the sky and propel shocks of heat down on the city and the heavy... 
Having a baby takes so much from you. It's the most glorious thing you'll ever do, but the a... 
I am a mother and I know the feeling of having a baby come out of my gut. 
Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is th... 
The answer isn't more time but a greater awareness of the time we have. 
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live wi... 
Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?'
By the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes--a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes. 
We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Never forget that you are one of a kind. Never forget that if there weren't any need for you in all ... 
Oh, it makes a difference, I thought. And if it doesn't make a difference you will make it make a di... 
I believe in work. If somebody doesn't create something, however small it may be, he gets sick. An a... 
The best way to learn to be a lady is to see how other ladies do it. 
There are no ugly women, only lazy ones 
Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she mana... 
Personally, I think if a women hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky 
Outward beauty is not enough; to be attractive a woman must use words, wit, playfulness, sweet-talk,... 
If a woman is sufficiently ambitious, determined and gifted - there is practically nothing she can't... 
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn... 
The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could g... 
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. 
There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad dayl... 
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the fi... 
They didn't have very far to fall--I knew just being a girl in the world handicapped your ability to... 
I want to leave a mark.
It's a great pity that things weren't so arranged that an empty head, like an empty stomach, wouldn'... 
We should be ready for a change. 
Did you see more glass? 
She was a girl who for a ringing phone dropped exactly nothing. She looked as if her phone had been ... 
If I don’t start having service I’m going to swap you all for a dog and shoot the dog. 
and the girl and I get into her car and drive off into the hills and we go to her room and I take of... 
Sometimes writing a novel is not unlike having a baby. You'd have to ask a female novelist to co... 
I'm fucking the grave, I thought, I'm bringing the dead back to life... 
Having a baby is one of the most wonderful things in your life, as well as the hardest thing in your... 
I never said to be like me, I say be yourself and make a difference. 
Life is a re-discovery. 
Life Is a Misconception. 
She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just ... 
So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even... 
I love my mom so much. I don't care if that's corny to say. I think on my next birthday, I'm going t... 
When you make your peace with authority, you become authority. 
Make measurable progress in reasonable time. 
Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws. 
I was in and out of comas until I was nine and I would lose entire days and weeks. The novelty of be... 
I stop short of being a workaholic. 
My dream in life is to write the one gag that makes everyone in the world laugh. 
As we celebrate President Reagan's remarkable career and historic legacy, we also celebrate a ma... 
Work harder on yourself than you do on your job. 
Whoever controls the media, controls the mind. 
My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where t... 
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Se... 
Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased. 
Actually the copies of characters is something I don't particularly like to talk about in articl... 
Well, Detroit Institute is kind of a key - probably the largest permanent collection of puppets in t... 
Yeah, I think we did the term Muppets before we got the show Sam and Friends - a few months after I ... 
Either you run the day or the day runs you. 
There was something special and unique about the love triangle that existed between Clark Kent, Supe... 
A liberal will cut off your leg so he can hand you a crutch. 
Narrative has been part of human consciousness for a long time. And if it has played a part in all t... 
You can't be unhappy in the middle of a big, beautiful river. 
The injustices endured by black Americans at the hands of their own government have no parallel in o... 
Martin Luther King was a misguided leader. He worked to be recognized as the leader of black America... 
Bush may be a strong leader in the war on terrorism, but on budget deficits he is missing-in-action. 
Boundary setting is really a huge part of time management. 
The financial report makes it very clear that if we got into honest budgeting today, that in fact we... 
Historically, there has been a bull market in commodities every 20 or 30 years. 
Mr. Speaker, we have reached a point in history where some have forgotten that it is the family, not... 
Fear is a part of life. It's a warning mechanism. That's all. It tells you when there's danger aroun... 
A debate has one purpose, one purpose only, and that is to facilitate the exchange of ideas directly... 
I wanted to be a bus driver when I was a kid. I look at bus driving through the eyes of a little boy... 
Success and money can really be quite blinding. 
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. 
Then a neighbor, Mr Smith, had a dairy cow and an couple bulls. He showed me how to bluff a bull. 
It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in ... 
An errand is getting a tank of gas or picking up a carton of milk or something. It is not<... 
Mr. Chairman, on September 11, we were attacked by terrorists who took advantage of weaknesses in ou... 
A technicality I'm prepared to hide wildly behind. 