Jim Gaffigan
Related WOODY ALLEN Not before you go to bed, but once you get up, you should exercise; exercise before you go to work. ... GERALYN FRANDSEN MARIE LU YAMI GAUTAM MITCH ALBOM If, before going to bed every night, you will tear a page from the calendar, and remark, there goes ... A. B. ZU TAVERN BEAR GRYLLS I have a feeling that being in love sometimes means the projection of your desires onto another pers... ERIC BRAEDEN MICHAEL JACKSON ASHLY LORENZANA I have never encountered any children in any group who are not geniuses. There is no mystery on how ... DR. ASA HILLIARD CRAIG GROESCHEL LEIGH STEINBERG I want to lead my children by example. I want to teach them that dreams should never be forgotten, t... MATT GANNON Being your own light ensures that you will never need another to pull you out of darkness again. GARY HOPKINS Being your own light ensures that you will never need another to pull you out of darkness again. GARY HOPKINS RUSSELL CROWE Men and the pursuit of them are strongly intertwined with my mental health. I would say, in my defen... EMMA FORREST You hand fits in mine like its made to be but bear this in mind it was meant to be and im joining up... ONE DIRECTION If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito. BETTY REESE STEFAN ZWEIG ROBERT SMITH LYDIA MILLET JOAN DIDION We can never make proper goodbyes. It was your last ride in a Checker cab and you had no warning. It... COLSON WHITEHEAD MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. WILL DURANT Had I not had children of my own, I would have never written books for children, nor would I have be... ROALD DAHL If you think you are too small to make a difference, you have obviously never been in bed with a mos... PETER STROPLE GEORGE MACDONALD MARIE HELVIN SYLVIA PLATH I never sleep before 4 A.M. and usually play 'Sonic the Hedgehog' computer games before bed.... MARTIN MILLAR GEORGE ELIOT UNKNOWN Sometimes you never feel meaner than the moment you stop being mean. It's like how turning on a ligh... REBECCA STEAD M. F. K. FISHER JAMES BALDWIN The most important thing is to relax before you go to bed, have a standard fixed sleeping time and a... DR. NARESH DEWAN I’d never have predicted I would lose touch with him – before, that is, I did. I thought I had m... SARAH MOORE FITZGERALD HARUKI MURAKAMI My goal is educate people about alopecia and try to break the Barbie-doll stereotype that children g... JODI PLISZKA If you think you're too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito. BETTY REESE CHARLOTTE ERIKSSON Just like white supremacists there are hetero-supremacists. They believe that by virtue of the fact ... MIKE E. KNEZEVICH, JR. ANN LANDERS MARIE LU One of the things I teach my children is that I have always invested in myself, and I have never sto... CHESLEY SULLENBERGER All parents want their children to succeed in school. They just don't know how to help them. When yo... ALICE MCGREW MOKOKOMA MOKHONOANA ANONYMOUS ASTRID LINDGREN JULIA SAWALHA I've never been through anything like that before, ... It was frightening. When you're down like tha... LOUIS POST WILLIAM GOLDMAN I definitely try and wash my face twice a day, and I never go to bed with my makeup on. I mostly jus... SARA PAXTON [After Mr. Epps shattered his ankle in a fall,] one thing led to another, ... just being confronted ... TOLEDO BLADE TERRY PRATCHETT I'm sure most of us remember being a kid and you have all of this endless time where two weeks b... ANDREA ARNOLD CHUCK PALAHNIUK Jim, you're my friend and I'm your lawyer. You know that I have never let you down. This is one time... SPENCER SIEGEL C. S. LEWIS BRAD PITT I know my Easts and Tom Brown, you see, and they're never happy unless their morality is being tried... GEORGE MACDONALD FRASER JOYCE GIRAUD The most important thing to keep in mind is there's never been any negative report on children being... NANCY CHAPMAN Never break a promise to another human being trusting you, for the day will come when you will need ... MICHAEL DE CHâTILLON MARK VAN DOREN DENNIS WEAVER Whenever you're feeling lonely, remember that there are people in this world who bless every one of ... L.J. KANE ROBERT H. SCHULLER I'm never glad the season is over. I just got finished crying, and I had to blow my nose before I ca... JANELLE COOPER ORSON SCOTT CARD ROBERT FULGHUM NICK WOODMAN MOKOKOMA MOKHONOANA RACHEL VINCENT My discrepancy with children in the industry is that they are made famous before they know who they ... COREY FELDMAN When I finish a film, I want to forget it. I never like to repeat myself. Maybe, when I am dead, the... OTTO PREMINGER I was struck by how many people responded to just one tiny store and one tiny company that they prob... ALLISON HILL JOJO MOYES If there is one thing that I take pride in, it is the fact that I never, ever make a charge without ... VINCENT BUGLIOSI Of course I'd like children. But I have to get over my impression that being pregnant is like po... MARKIE POST JOSEPH CAMPBELL You are the sun, I try to say, You are the most important. You are the only light that's ever truly ... SARA WOLF SHRADDHA KAPOOR I think people who go out and tell you how much they're gonna change things are the people who e... DARIUS RUCKER We as Eagles have come to know that without our children, there is no future. Being a mother I thank... STACEY PURSLEY FRANZ SCHUBERT BOB KEESHAN DIANA GABALDON CLEMENTINE VON RADICS ISRAELMORE AYIVOR PABLO PICASSO ROSE: I love you, Jack.JAMES FRANCIS CAMERON MARGARET ANDERSON EVE ENSLER MARCO RUBIO JOSé N. HARRIS JOJO MOYES
More Jim Gaffigan
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize l... JIM GAFFIGAN When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatev... JIM GAFFIGAN Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of... JIM GAFFIGAN Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's w... JIM GAFFIGAN Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a ... JIM GAFFIGAN Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food.... JIM GAFFIGAN You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a b... JIM GAFFIGAN As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter wha... JIM GAFFIGAN I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you alwa... JIM GAFFIGAN You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them?... JIM GAFFIGAN Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently d... JIM GAFFIGAN Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've go... JIM GAFFIGAN I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not... JIM GAFFIGAN It does piss me off when Angelina won't stop calling. JIM GAFFIGAN Welcome to New York JIM GAFFIGAN For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening... JIM GAFFIGAN "I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand t... JIM GAFFIGAN "I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you alw... JIM GAFFIGAN "You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them... JIM GAFFIGAN I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand th... JIM GAFFIGAN I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, ... JIM GAFFIGAN Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and ... JIM GAFFIGAN I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield. JIM GAFFIGAN I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservati... JIM GAFFIGAN Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings... JIM GAFFIGAN I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan. JIM GAFFIGAN I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs... JIM GAFFIGAN In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and... JIM GAFFIGAN CASHIER: Are you a member of our club?JIM GAFFIGAN JIM MORRISON JIM ROHN JIM MORRISON JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM DAVIS JIM RAMSTAD I wanted to make an Indian character who wasn't either a) the savage that must be eliminated, th... JIM JARMUSCH JIM MORRISON JIM ROHN JIM MORRISON JIM MORRISON JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM CARREY JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM HENSON JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM LEE I always received much more satisfaction as a defense attorney in obtaining an acquittal for a clien... JIM GARRISON I derive no pleasure from prosecuting a man, even though I know he's guilty; do you think I coul... JIM GARRISON The head of the CIA, it seems to me, would think long and hard before he admitted that former employ... JIM GARRISON This kind of charge reveals a good deal about the personality of the people who make it; to impute s... JIM GARRISON I'm not in the business of harassing anybody. JIM GARRISON It's rather naive, apart from being ethically objectionable, to assume that our investigators tr... JIM GARRISON My office has been one of the most scrupulous in the country with regard to the protection of indivi... JIM GARRISON It is important to know who killed Jack Kennedy and why. JIM GARRISON Until as recently as November of 1966, I had complete faith in the Warren Report. Of course, my fait... JIM GARRISON It has been my policy not to respond to each of the many canards which have been part of the campaig... JIM GARRISON It would certainly be interesting to know what the CIA knew about Oswald six weeks before the assass... JIM GARRISON I'm convinced from what I know of Vernon Bundy that his testimony was truthful. JIM GARRISON I'm afraid, based on my own experience, that fascism will come to America in the name of nationa... JIM GARRISON I ran for Congress in 1996 to help Ted Kennedy pass a comprehensive health insurance reform bill. JIM MCGOVERN I thought Iraq was the wrong war at the wrong time and have been fighting to get the Administration ... JIM MCGOVERN In 2005, I was the first member of Congress to introduce legislation calling for an immediate withdr... JIM MCGOVERN A large majority of Americans believe that corporations exert too much influence on our daily lives ... JIM MCGOVERN Corporations are created by the people, acting through their governments. We grant them corporate ch... JIM MCGOVERN JIM CARREY JIM BROWN JIM CARREY JIM MORRISON JIM ROHN I suspect that most people in the world will travel through or at least wish to travel through Miami... JIM DRAIN JIM RAMSTAD I go out and take oysters, clams and mussels every 2 weeks or so during late fall, winter and early ... JIM HIMES JIM ROHN JIM CRACE JIM MORRISON Tens of thousands of brave Americans died to break the chains of British tyranny so that the princip... JIM GERLACH JIM HARRISON JIM WEBB JIM BROWN JIM COOPER JIM ROHN JIM BROWN JIM BROWN JIM LOEHR Yet only the atrocities of the conquered are referred to as criminal acts; those of the conqueror ar... JIM FERGUS I looked at her, with her hair spilled out on the pillows and the warmth of her body warming mine. A... JIM THOMPSON British actors come at acting from a slightly different angle. Because a lot of the films are cast o... JIM STURGESS With new jobs, new ideas, and growing confidence that our brightest days lie ahead, Wisconsin is on ... JIM DOYLE I like reflecting the culture I understand best, spotting the idiosyncrasies of British people and r... JIM BROADBENT During school, I'd advertise cars in the University of British Columbia newspaper. JIM PATTISON JIM LEE JIM COSTA JIM ROGERS Long gone are the days when hospital stays and surgeries made up the bulk of seniors' annual med... JIM GERLACH JIM RYUN JIM CARREY JIM BUTCHER There's enormous progressive activism and, more often than not, success at the grassroots level ... JIM HIGHTOWER What created democracy was Thomas Paine and Shays' Rebellion, the suffragists and the abolitioni... JIM HIGHTOWER JIM RAMSTAD JIM LEHRER JIM CARREY JIM LEHRER JIM HARRISON JIM BACKUS JIM FOWLER JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN In fact, the Iraqi foreign minister admitted in March 2003 that Iraqi funds were sent to families of... JIM GERLACH JIM BISHOP JIM BROWN JIM MORRISON A loving family provides the foundation children need to succeed, and strong families with a man and... JIM BUNNING errand is getting a tank of gas or picking up a carton of milk or something. It is not<... JIM BUTCHER We started Vector with the goal of creating a development platform that would foster and bolster the... JIM CANTRELL JIM CRACE Come on, Come on, and there'll be no turning back. You were only killing time and it can kill you ri... JIM STEINMAN JIM RYUN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN As a kid, I just loved cartoons. And as the credits went by, I'd study those names and then try ... JIM CUMMINGS A lot of poets too live on the margins of social acceptance, they certainly aren't in it for the... JIM JARMUSCH JIM ROHN JIM ROHN JIM ROHN Productivity is being able to do things that you were never able to do before. JIM MANZI JIM HENSON JIM MORRISON JIM BUTCHER JIM MORRISON JIM HENSON JIM BUTCHER JIM MORRISON JIM MORRISON JIM BUTCHER JIM HENSON JIM DAVIS JIM BUTCHER JIM BUTCHER
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declare... 
You drive me insane June. You're the scariest, most clever, bravest person I know, and sometimes I c... 
No matter how long my day has been, I never forget to remove my make-up and slap on some intensive m... 
There is no experience like having children.’ That’s all. There is no substitute for it. You can... 
It breaks my heart that my father never knew my children. He should have been around for another 25 ... 
Why can't you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone, ... You... 
When you want to share something with another person more than anything, it is one of the most diffi... 
What is it that makes you so angry, bothers you so deeply, that you're compelled to act? 
Never underestimate the capacity of another human being to have exactly the same shortcomings you ha... 
My children have never watched any of my films. Charlie knows that daddy makes movies, but he says t... 
Being sent to bed is a terrible command to all children, because it means the most public possible h... 
I've never regretted not having children. My mindset in that regard has been constant. I objecte... 
The summer after I got divorced, my children asked to sleep in my bed again. It would be the first t... 
All I ever did to that apartment was hang fifty yards of yellow theatrical silk across the bedroom w... 
I said to my children, 'I'm going to work and do everything that I can do to see that you get a good... 
The most interesting thing in the world is another human being who wonders, suffers and raises the q... 
Feast of Hugh, Carthusian Monk, Bishop of Lincoln, 1200 [God desires] not that He may say to them... 
My life has been charmed in the sense that I've met some extraordinary people. But at the end of... 
Mother believed that I should have an enormous amount of sleep, and so I was never really tired when... 
Our deeds are like children that are born to us; they live and act apart from our own will. Nay, chi... 
Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference, has never been in bed with a mosquit... 
Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly. 
Nakedness has no color: this can come as news only to those who have never covered, or been covered ... 
It's because of you when I'm in bed in the morning that I can wind my spring and tell myself I have ... 
You kissed me that morning as if you’d never done it before and never would again and now I write ... 
What the vast majority of American children needs is to stop being pampered, stop being indulged, st... 
Billions of people will come and go in this world, but there will never be another like you. 
Most human beings would have never been pained by the death of a human being if they had never seen ... 
I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before. 
I have never experienced being madly in love the way most people seem to have been, although it is n... 
Being a mum is something that's never bothered me too much. I have never felt a strong need to h... 
Writing is finally about one thing: going into a room alone and doing it. Putting words on paper tha... 
I don’t know what to do,” he said. “No harm in that. I’ve never known what to do,” said Ri... 
That if you could acquire enough, accomplish enough, you’d never want to own or do another thing. ... 
Men say, "How are we to act, what are we to teach our children, now that we are no longer Christians... 
I've never in my life said I didn't want to have children. I did and I do and I will! 
I always believe that if you feel good and look happy, you're always going to be beautiful. My o... 
The genius of the Marx Brothers is for parody. They never are themselves. They exist too abundantly ... 
I never met a human being in my life who didn't like this kid. 
You will suddenly realize that the reason you never changed before was because you didn't want to. 
Because never in my entire childhood did I feel like a child. I felt like a person all along--the sa... 
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. 
Before GoPro, if you wanted to have any footage of yourself doing anything, whether it's video o... 
The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How m... 
Stay for me. Stay with me. There will never be anyone else. Not in my bed. Not in my life. And not i... 
It's just that the thing you never understand about being a mother, until you are one, is that it is... 
When you realize that eternity is right here now, that it is within your possibility to experience t... 
I completely agree that a sound sleep is the best beauty product. Sound sleep, one of the most impor... 
Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief. 
The children should never be excluded from what I am doing and should never have the feeling of bein... 
I want to hold you hard to me and kiss you, and never let you go. I want to take you to my bed and u... 
I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you are a child playing with matches and I hav... 
Being disciplined with an ego that makes you to feel like you can never be disciplined by any other ... 
Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. A... 
My unreality is chiefly this: I have never felt much like a human being. It's a splendid feeling. 
Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under ... 
I would say to you that Americans of Hispanic descent want desperately to give their children the ch... 
Writing about myself (in MI VIDA), has given me a feeling that I had never had before- that the past... 
When you make your peace with authority, you become authority. 
Make measurable progress in reasonable time. 
Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws. 
I was in and out of comas until I was nine and I would lose entire days and weeks. The novelty of be... 
I stop short of being a workaholic. 
I can go everywhere and no one recognises me. 
As we celebrate President Reagan's remarkable career and historic legacy, we also celebrate a ma... 
Where's your will to be weird? 
My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where t... 
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Se... 
I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever. 
Actually the copies of characters is something I don't particularly like to talk about in articl... 
Well, Detroit Institute is kind of a key - probably the largest permanent collection of puppets in t... 
NBC was trying to convert all of their local programming to color right away to encourage the sale o... 
The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch. 
There was something special and unique about the love triangle that existed between Clark Kent, Supe... 
A liberal will cut off your leg so he can hand you a crutch. 
Embryonic stem cell research will prolong life, improve life and give hope for life to millions of p... 
Narrative has been part of human consciousness for a long time. And if it has played a part in all t... 
You can't be unhappy in the middle of a big, beautiful river. 
The injustices endured by black Americans at the hands of their own government have no parallel in o... 
Bush may be a strong leader in the war on terrorism, but on budget deficits he is missing-in-action. 
Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At le... 
I would love to have a role with the Browns. I think that's what every ex-player would like to d... 
Boundary setting is really a huge part of time management. 
The financial report makes it very clear that if we got into honest budgeting today, that in fact we... 
Historically, there has been a bull market in commodities every 20 or 30 years. 
Mr. Speaker, we have reached a point in history where some have forgotten that it is the family, not... 
Fear is a part of life. It's a warning mechanism. That's all. It tells you when there's danger aroun... 
A debate has one purpose, one purpose only, and that is to facilitate the exchange of ideas directly... 
I wanted to be a bus driver when I was a kid. I look at bus driving through the eyes of a little boy... 
Success and money can really be quite blinding. 
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. 
Then a neighbor, Mr Smith, had a dairy cow and an couple bulls. He showed me how to bluff a bull. 
It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in ... 
An errand is getting a tank of gas or picking up a carton of milk or something. It is not<... 
Mr. Chairman, on September 11, we were attacked by terrorists who took advantage of weaknesses in ou... 
Sleep is God. Go worship. 