No wonder I worried about talking dirty; talking in general seemed to escape me.

Do you sell anything that can answer a yes or no question?“ I asked him.

"For entertainment purposes,” he asked me not bothering to look up, “or for real?”

I squelched the impulse to scream, “What do you think, you jackass?” Maybe he was asking a serious question- though I had my doubts. “You’re the one with the metaphysical shop. If I wanted a magic Eight Ball, I’d go to SaverPlus.”

He looked up at me and grinned. “Did you notice the new guy who works at the return counter in the SaverPlus basement?He’s kind of a creep- which I think I like about him- and he’s got this monster bulge in his pants.”

I could totally see him getting into someone who was a creep. “Um. No.”

“They’re still open. Why don’t you go buy a Magic Eight Ball so I can return it?”

“No.”

“Then what the fuck good are you?

What the fuck happened to you? [...] You look like you lost a fight with a lamprey. Hickey, hickey...bruise, bruise, bruise...bite. I thought that thing on your neck the other day was just a fluke. I guess not--looks like you get off on picking up a few souvenirs when you...get off. ~Crash

If everything were anything," Chance said softly, "the barriers would break down, and we'd all lose ourselves to chaos. And then there would be no cotton candy.

He was nuts. He'd scammed the quarterly mental health exam and was certifiably insane.

Not that that's ever stopped me from sleeping with anyone.

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.