No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.

If you're Irish, it doesn't matter where you go - you'll find family.

Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!

I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried.

I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner.