Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.