I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.