It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.

As a standup, I try to change the world. As an entertainer, I try to entertain. And as a lesbian, I try to pick up the prettiest girl in the room.

They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!

Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works.

I can't discriminate? Oh, that's ripe, coming from a straight white man. What's the matter, baby doesn't feel like he belongs? Well why don't you try a place that was set up just for you? Like the world!

No one has the responsibility to be out to anyone but himself or herself. I made my choice a million years ago.