More Jim Gaffigan

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize l...
JIM GAFFIGAN When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatev...
JIM GAFFIGAN Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of...
JIM GAFFIGAN Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's w...
JIM GAFFIGAN Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a ...
JIM GAFFIGAN Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food....
JIM GAFFIGAN You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a b...
JIM GAFFIGAN As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter wha...
JIM GAFFIGAN I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you alwa...
JIM GAFFIGAN You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them?...
JIM GAFFIGAN Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently d...
JIM GAFFIGAN Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've go...
JIM GAFFIGAN I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not...
JIM GAFFIGAN Welcome to New York
JIM GAFFIGAN For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening...
JIM GAFFIGAN "I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand t...
JIM GAFFIGAN "I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you alw...
JIM GAFFIGAN "You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them...
JIM GAFFIGAN I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand th...
JIM GAFFIGAN I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, ...
JIM GAFFIGAN Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and ...
JIM GAFFIGAN I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
JIM GAFFIGAN I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservati...
JIM GAFFIGAN Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being...
JIM GAFFIGAN Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings...
JIM GAFFIGAN I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
JIM GAFFIGAN I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs...
JIM GAFFIGAN In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and...
JIM GAFFIGAN CASHIER: Are you a member of our club?
ME: Um, I'm just getting hot dogs.
CASHIER: That'll...
JIM GAFFIGAN

When you make your peace with authority, you become authority.
JIM MORRISON

Make measurable progress in reasonable time.
JIM ROHN

Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws.
JIM MORRISON

I was in and out of comas until I was nine and I would lose entire days and weeks. The novelty of be...
JIM DAVIS

I stop short of being a workaholic.
JIM DAVIS

When you're through with your cat, you can't throw it in the trash.
JIM DAVIS

I didn't have a whole lot of success getting dates, I was always a bit of a geek.
JIM DAVIS

I can go everywhere and no one recognises me.
JIM DAVIS

I was very happy and honored to create the Professor Garfield Foundation with Ball State to make rea...
JIM DAVIS

Usually I commit to something in my head and then I start drawing.
JIM DAVIS

I probably get more inspiration for human stories and idiosyncrasies than I do animal stories.
JIM DAVIS

My dream in life is to write the one gag that makes everyone in the world laugh.
JIM DAVIS

I thought if I could create a convincing cat I could say and do anything I wanted on the human condi...
JIM DAVIS

Readers have told me that their children have learned to read after years of struggle after starting...
JIM DAVIS

You have to do something when you're lying in bed. So you play with your mind.
JIM DAVIS

The understatement is the English contribution to comedy.
JIM DAVIS

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
JIM DAVIS

There are so many opportunities in life, that the loss of two or three capabilities is not necessari...
JIM DAVIS

Cats are anthropomorphised in art because they are so laid back that you automatically attribute hum...
JIM DAVIS

You'd have to go a long way to find someone who was more proud and grateful for what our veteran...
JIM DAVIS

Good morning is a contradiction of terms.
JIM DAVIS

Cats rule the world.
JIM DAVIS

As we celebrate President Reagan's remarkable career and historic legacy, we also celebrate a ma...
JIM RAMSTAD I wanted to make an Indian character who wasn't either a) the savage that must be eliminated, th...
JIM JARMUSCH

Where's your will to be weird?
JIM MORRISON

Work harder on yourself than you do on your job.
JIM ROHN

Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.
JIM MORRISON

Blake said that the body was the soul's prison unless the five senses are fully developed and op...
JIM MORRISON

My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where t...
JIM CARREY

Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Se...
JIM CARREY

I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserv...
JIM CARREY

There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like...
JIM CARREY

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.
JIM CARREY

Creative people don't behave very well generally. If you're looking for examples of good rel...
JIM CARREY

Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased.
JIM CARREY

People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without despera...
JIM CARREY

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain...
JIM CARREY

I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingred...
JIM CARREY

I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day w...
JIM CARREY

If you've got a talent, protect it.
JIM CARREY

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.
JIM CARREY

I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create ...
JIM CARREY

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's lef...
JIM CARREY

Actually the copies of characters is something I don't particularly like to talk about in articl...
JIM HENSON

Well, Detroit Institute is kind of a key - probably the largest permanent collection of puppets in t...
JIM HENSON

Yeah, I think we did the term Muppets before we got the show Sam and Friends - a few months after I ...
JIM HENSON

There was a little afternoon show that was called Afternoon. Back in those days in television, most ...
JIM HENSON

I think my own strengths are in television production.
JIM HENSON

It has always been difficult to get Big Bird to be very pretty. Big Bird in England is much more gor...
JIM HENSON

NBC was trying to convert all of their local programming to color right away to encourage the sale o...
JIM HENSON

No, there's not much competition between puppeteers in general because everybody's working t...
JIM HENSON

Yeah, we pretty much had a form and a shape by that time - a style - and I think one of the advantag...
JIM HENSON

I decided that what I really wanted to do was go off and paint.
JIM HENSON

Somebody like a Piggy or a Kermit, there needs to be several versions and so there will be several o...
JIM HENSON

When The Muppet Show ended, we all sat around and said, what kind of television show would we like t...
JIM HENSON

At the time of Polaroid - and I did a couple of other commercials just before I stopped doing that s...
JIM HENSON

It's into the same bag as E.T. and Yoda, wherein you're trying to create something that peop...
JIM HENSON

I've never felt any sense of competition with anybody, and we're all friends; we're all ...
JIM HENSON

At the University of Maryland, my first year I started off planning to major in art because I was in...
JIM HENSON

When I was a kid, I never saw a puppet show. I never played with puppets or had any interest in them...
JIM HENSON

I do remember doing shows strictly in black and white, too, so you're right.
JIM HENSON

But with The Dark Crystal, instead of puppetry we're trying to go toward a sense of realism - to...
JIM HENSON

My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.
JIM HENSON

When I was young, my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My ho...
JIM HENSON

The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.
JIM HENSON

Either you run the day or the day runs you.
JIM ROHN

The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch.
JIM ROHN

Success is steady progress toward one's personal goals.
JIM ROHN

There was something special and unique about the love triangle that existed between Clark Kent, Supe...
JIM LEE I always received much more satisfaction as a defense attorney in obtaining an acquittal for a clien...
JIM GARRISON I derive no pleasure from prosecuting a man, even though I know he's guilty; do you think I coul...
JIM GARRISON The head of the CIA, it seems to me, would think long and hard before he admitted that former employ...
JIM GARRISON This kind of charge reveals a good deal about the personality of the people who make it; to impute s...
JIM GARRISON I'm not in the business of harassing anybody.
JIM GARRISON It's rather naive, apart from being ethically objectionable, to assume that our investigators tr...
JIM GARRISON My office has been one of the most scrupulous in the country with regard to the protection of indivi...
JIM GARRISON It is important to know who killed Jack Kennedy and why.
JIM GARRISON Until as recently as November of 1966, I had complete faith in the Warren Report. Of course, my fait...
JIM GARRISON It has been my policy not to respond to each of the many canards which have been part of the campaig...
JIM GARRISON It would certainly be interesting to know what the CIA knew about Oswald six weeks before the assass...
JIM GARRISON I'm convinced from what I know of Vernon Bundy that his testimony was truthful.
JIM GARRISON I'm afraid, based on my own experience, that fascism will come to America in the name of nationa...
JIM GARRISON I ran for Congress in 1996 to help Ted Kennedy pass a comprehensive health insurance reform bill.
JIM MCGOVERN I thought Iraq was the wrong war at the wrong time and have been fighting to get the Administration ...
JIM MCGOVERN In 2005, I was the first member of Congress to introduce legislation calling for an immediate withdr...
JIM MCGOVERN A large majority of Americans believe that corporations exert too much influence on our daily lives ...
JIM MCGOVERN Corporations are created by the people, acting through their governments. We grant them corporate ch...
JIM MCGOVERN

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.
JIM CARREY

A liberal will cut off your leg so he can hand you a crutch.
JIM BROWN

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, &#...
JIM CARREY

Each generation wants new symbols, new people, new names. They want to divorce themselves from their...
JIM MORRISON

There are only 3 colors, 10 digits, and 7 notes; its what we do with them that's important.
JIM ROHN I suspect that most people in the world will travel through or at least wish to travel through Miami...
JIM DRAIN

Embryonic stem cell research will prolong life, improve life and give hope for life to millions of p...
JIM RAMSTAD I go out and take oysters, clams and mussels every 2 weeks or so during late fall, winter and early ...
JIM HIMES

If you go to work on your goals, your goals will go to work on you. If you go to work on your plan, ...
JIM ROHN

Narrative has been part of human consciousness for a long time. And if it has played a part in all t...
JIM CRACE

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it...
JIM MORRISON Tens of thousands of brave Americans died to break the chains of British tyranny so that the princip...
JIM GERLACH

You can't be unhappy in the middle of a big, beautiful river.
JIM HARRISON

The injustices endured by black Americans at the hands of their own government have no parallel in o...
JIM WEBB

Martin Luther King was a misguided leader. He worked to be recognized as the leader of black America...
JIM BROWN

Bush may be a strong leader in the war on terrorism, but on budget deficits he is missing-in-action.
JIM COOPER

Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At le...
JIM ROHN

I would love to have a role with the Browns. I think that's what every ex-player would like to d...
JIM BROWN

I'm stuck with being No. 32 for the Cleveland Browns. I can't do anything about that, and I ...
JIM BROWN

Boundary setting is really a huge part of time management.
JIM LOEHR Yet only the atrocities of the conquered are referred to as criminal acts; those of the conqueror ar...
JIM FERGUS I looked at her, with her hair spilled out on the pillows and the warmth of her body warming mine. A...
JIM THOMPSON British actors come at acting from a slightly different angle. Because a lot of the films are cast o...
JIM STURGESS With new jobs, new ideas, and growing confidence that our brightest days lie ahead, Wisconsin is on ...
JIM DOYLE I like reflecting the culture I understand best, spotting the idiosyncrasies of British people and r...
JIM BROADBENT During school, I'd advertise cars in the University of British Columbia newspaper.
JIM PATTISON

The first time I drew a Superman story was 'For Tomorrow' with Brian Azzarello in 2004. It d...
JIM LEE

The financial report makes it very clear that if we got into honest budgeting today, that in fact we...
JIM COSTA

Historically, there has been a bull market in commodities every 20 or 30 years.
JIM ROGERS Long gone are the days when hospital stays and surgeries made up the bulk of seniors' annual med...
JIM GERLACH

Mr. Speaker, we have reached a point in history where some have forgotten that it is the family, not...
JIM RYUN

I'm a hard guy to live with. I'm like a caged animal. I'm up all night walking around th...
JIM CARREY

Fear is a part of life. It's a warning mechanism. That's all. It tells you when there's danger aroun...
JIM BUTCHER There's enormous progressive activism and, more often than not, success at the grassroots level ...
JIM HIGHTOWER What created democracy was Thomas Paine and Shays' Rebellion, the suffragists and the abolitioni...
JIM HIGHTOWER

In my home State of Minnesota, I have seen firsthand the importance of Byrne grants to local police ...
JIM RAMSTAD

A debate has one purpose, one purpose only, and that is to facilitate the exchange of ideas directly...
JIM LEHRER

My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian.
JIM CARREY

I wanted to be a bus driver when I was a kid. I look at bus driving through the eyes of a little boy...
JIM LEHRER

Success and money can really be quite blinding.
JIM HARRISON

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
JIM BACKUS

Then a neighbor, Mr Smith, had a dairy cow and an couple bulls. He showed me how to bluff a bull.
JIM FOWLER

There are only about a half dozen things that make 80% of the difference in any area of our lives.
JIM ROHN

Get around people who have something of value to share with you. Their impact will continue to have ...
JIM ROHN

A good objective of leadership is to help those who are doing poorly to do well and to help those wh...
JIM ROHN

The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not b...
JIM ROHN In fact, the Iraqi foreign minister admitted in March 2003 that Iraqi funds were sent to families of...
JIM GERLACH

It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in ...
JIM BISHOP

There's a trend toward anti-heroes now, and I think it goes back to guys like Bogart and Cagney....
JIM BROWN

There are things known, and there are things unknown. And in between are the doors.
JIM MORRISON A loving family provides the foundation children need to succeed, and strong families with a man and...
JIM BUNNING

An errand is getting a tank of gas or picking up a carton of milk or something. It is not<...
JIM BUTCHER We started Vector with the goal of creating a development platform that would foster and bolster the...
JIM CANTRELL When you start a novel, it is always like pushing a boulder uphill. Then, after a while, to mangle t...
JIM CRACE Come on, Come on, and there'll be no turning back. You were only killing time and it can kill you ri...
JIM STEINMAN Mr. Chairman, on September 11, we were attacked by terrorists who took advantage of weaknesses in ou...
JIM RYUN Wealth is not a matter of intelligence it's a matter of inspiration.
JIM ROHN By working hard, you get to play hard guilt-free.
JIM ROHN Success is neither magical or mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applyin...
JIM ROHN Success is steady progress toward one's personal goals
JIM ROHN The book you don't read won't help.
JIM ROHN Miss a meal if you have to, but don't miss a book.
JIM ROHN Everything you need for better future and success has already been written. And guess what? All you ...
JIM ROHN Don't just read the easy stuff. You may be entertained by it, but you will never grow from it.
JIM ROHN Money is usually attracted, not pursued.
JIM ROHN As a kid, I just loved cartoons. And as the credits went by, I'd study those names and then try ...
JIM CUMMINGS A lot of poets too live on the margins of social acceptance, they certainly aren't in it for the...
JIM JARMUSCH The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.
JIM ROHN Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's somethin...
JIM ROHN If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree.
JIM ROHN Productivity is being able to do things that you were never able to do before.
JIM MANZI Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or m...
JIM HENSON I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always for...
JIM MORRISON Evil isn’t the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and...
JIM BUTCHER The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a rol...
JIM MORRISON [Kids] don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.
JIM HENSON Sleep is God. Go worship.
JIM BUTCHER A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. ...
JIM MORRISON People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about...
JIM MORRISON I don't care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who...
JIM BUTCHER There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met.
JIM HENSON Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
JIM DAVIS Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. I...
JIM BUTCHER A technicality I'm prepared to hide wildly behind.
JIM BUTCHER

It does piss me off when Angelina won't stop calling.

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Jim Gaffigan

It does piss me off when Angelina won't stop calling.

Jim Gaffigan

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