I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now.

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.