If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.

According to Archimedes' principle, what happens when you jump in a bathtub full of water? Answer: The phone rings.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing.