FastSaying
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
Jack Handy
Style
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Their point guard is salty. We've got to eliminate some of his talents and make them play another style. Their wing people became the point to enter to the post. I thought we forced open the door, but they shut it.
— Louis Handy
Play
Style
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
— Jack Handy
Party
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
— Jack Handy
Ancients
Beliefs
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
— Jack Handy
Destruction
Thinking
Trying
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
— Jack Handy
Poor
Weapons