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I was like a Borscht Belt comedian trapped in the body of a 6-year-old. I was channeling Jackie Mason at 7.


Josh Gad

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MARY FRANN I was born just barely south of the Mason Dixon line.
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GABY HOFFMANN Jackie Mason Freshly Squeezed.
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DAKOTA FANNING I had a little 6-year-old girl come up and dump her piggy bank in my boot so I was, I had tears in m...
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JENNIFER ELISABETH Aye, well, I've got my garden.
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JOSH STERN Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.
JOSH BILLINGS The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
JOSH LANYON A pause followed my greeting. Then “We’re watching you ” whispered the voice on the other end....
JOSH LANYON Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.
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JOSH BILLINGS Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.
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JOSH BILLINGS A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.
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JOSH BILLINGS Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he m...
JOSH BILLINGS Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.
JOSH BILLINGS Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
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JOSH BILLINGS Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethe...
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JOSH BILLINGS Incredulity is the wisdom of the fool.
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JOSH BILLINGS To enjoy a good reputation give publicly, and steal privately.
JOSH BILLINGS I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.
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JOSH BILLINGS As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for.
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JOSH BILLINGS Forgiveness is the oil of relationships.
JOSH MCDOWELL There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
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JOSH BILLINGS Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.
JOSH BILLINGS I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
JOSH BILLINGS Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.
JOSH BILLINGS The trouble with most folks ain't so much their ignorance as knowing so many things that ain't so.
JOSH BILLINGS Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.
JOSH BILLINGS There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.
JOSH BILLINGS I don't care how much a person talks, if they only say it in a few words.
JOSH BILLINGS Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.
JOSH BILLINGS Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, no...
JOSH BILLINGS Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today.
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JOSH BILLINGS Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.
JOSH BILLINGS Poverty is the step-mother of genius.
JOSH BILLINGS Remember the poor, it costs nothing.
JOSH BILLINGS I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.
JOSH BILLINGS Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed of dogs.
JOSH BILLINGS A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.
JOSH BILLINGS Pity cost nothing and ain't worth nothing.
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JOSH BILLINGS To bring up a child in the way he should go -- travel that way yourself.
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JOSH BILLINGS The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear.
JOSH BILLINGS The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord it ain't the gout.
JOSH BILLINGS There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
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JOSH BILLINGS It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.
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JOSH BILLINGS Every man has his follies -- and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
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JOSH BILLINGS Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
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JOSH BILLINGS Experience is a school where a man learns what a big fool he has been.
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JOSH BILLINGS There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply.
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JOSH BILLINGS It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
JOSH BILLINGS Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
JOSH BILLINGS A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
JOSH BILLINGS When a man gets talking about himself, he seldom fails to be eloquent and often reaches the sublime.
JOSH BILLINGS The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
JOSH BILLINGS Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.
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JOSH BILLINGS Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.
JOSH BILLINGS Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
JOSH BILLINGS There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
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JOSH BILLINGS Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
JOSH BILLINGS Incredulity is the wisdom of the fool
JOSH BILLINGS Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed
JOSH BILLINGS There is a sort of charm in ugliness, if the person has some redeeming qualities and is only ugly en...
JOSH BILLINGS Keep a cow, and the milk won't have to be watered but once.
JOSH BILLINGS Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed.
JOSH BILLINGS A slander is like a hornet; if you can't kill it dead the first time, better not strike at it.
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JOSH BILLINGS The less we know the more we suspect.
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JOSH BILLINGS The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
JOSH BILLINGS Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed ...
JOSH BILLINGS The man who ain't got an enemy is really poor.
JOSH BILLINGS If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy...
JOSH BILLINGS Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing until it ge...
JOSH BILLINGS Our necessities are few but our wants are endless.
JOSH BILLINGS As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
JOSH BILLINGS Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
JOSH BILLINGS There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.
JOSH GROBAN Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will ...
JOSH HARTNETT You don't have to be a genius when you're surrounded by morons.
JOSH LIEB If you write a post and put it on a blog, that's a historical document. If you change your template,...
JOSH GREENBERG Gratitude can sometimes be as annoying as whininess.
JOSH LIEB It doesn't pay to be good at something unless you are the absolute best at it.
JOSH LIEB Insanity is just what we call stupidity when it doesn't make sense.
JOSH LIEB Important days don't look like anything special when they start. Invariably, the sun rises and peopl...
JOSH LIEB The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.
JOSH BILLINGS It's interesting, on your second day of existence, to realize that your father is going to blame all...
JOSH LIEB The language that we use now impacts on the ability to vote, it impacts on the marketplace; instead ...
JOSH HOMME One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit n...
JOSH BILLINGS