I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.