I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.