I only date stewardesses. Or maybe it just seems that way. Women always seem to be showing me the exits.

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.