I know that Einstein's theory of relativity is correct because every weekend goes by twice as fast as normal.

Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.

If only common sense were more common.

The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.

Someone told me you are the worst kisser in the world... want to show me it's not true?

In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.