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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.


Mitch Hedberg

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I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make t...
E. L. DOCTOROW I used to look like a deer in headlights on the red carpet. You step out of the car and it's bed...
EMILY BLUNT I ride many different cars. Let's say I would drive 200 different vehicles in a year, so it'...
AKIO TOYODA It's really hard for men to tell other men 'I love you' without putting a 'man' ...
CHANNING TATUM It's not a case of 'look at me in my car'; it's more, 'look at the car'. I l...
JAY KAY If you tell me I can't do something, that's the worst thing to tell me. And that's what ...
GURINDER CHADHA I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu...
ANTHONY JESELNIK I could tell you which writer's rhythms I am imitating. It's not exactly plagiarism, it'...
CHARLES KURALT I like performers who I know are for real. You can tell, man, there's an intensity about their s...
ALAN VEGA What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
SAMUEL BECKETT If you look at the mythology of aliens, there's a lot about gold. It's about them coming for...
JON FAVREAU There's nothing women can't do. There's absolutely nothing we can't do. We're fa...
BETTY WILLIAMS I don't often know exactly what's coming next, and that makes it more fun. And you know, for...
R. A. SALVATORE An autobiography is not about pictures; it's about the stories; it's about honesty and as mu...
BORIS BECKER Man, wear your seat belts. That's all I can tell everybody. You never know.
TOM BRADY There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you abou...
KIN HUBBARD I mean, like, I can go in a room and say, look, 'Watchmen' should be at least 15 minutes lon...
ZACK SNYDER I don't need jewels and cars. It's about the delicacy of the way I'm handled.
LEONOR VARELA I've found that there's a lot to invigorate in any country or destination - it's all abo...
BOB BEAMON Again, as a gay man I look at that and say there's a hopelessness that surrounds it, but as a hu...
ZACHARY QUINTO A good trick I learnt early on is not to immediately look at playback because once you know the shot...
AIDAN TURNER There's no way that anyone can know the ebb and flow of one's career. You can't know tha...
HOLLY HUNTER I think acting, for me, is about play. It's about time, and it's about feeling, like there&#...
RACHEL KELLER People look at me and keep walking - but you can tell they know who I am. I want them to bug me. It&...
SCHOOLBOY Q I don't know if I'm a daredevil, exactly, but I do enjoy a good challenge. It's the only...
NATALIE DORMER I have the kind of personality that I always look ahead than look at what's happened. It does he...
RAHUL DRAVID The one thing that I'm always gonna promote is, 'Don't look at a fellow black man as an ...
DEMETRIUS SHIPP, JR. What I've always said about comedy is if you do it in the right way, you can say anything to any...
TREVOR NOAH It's important to see how people see your work and how they feel about it. I know a lot of direc...
XAVIER DOLAN So much of Hollywood is this kind of overly machismo, nonsensical view of masculinity, which I just ...
JOE CARNAHAN The way I look at it is that once you create a piece of art, and it's out in the world, there...
DAVID LLOYD I think it's incredible what I've done. A lot of sweat. But as an innovator, I look back and...
DR. DRE I bought a car, but not just any car; I bought a Volvo, which was the safest on the road at the time...
HOLLAND RODEN I can tell you I'm not exactly sure why I teach. I think a lot of it is just it's the sense ...
EDGAR MEYER I am really OK with the way I look. It's fine. All this is transient. I mean, it's really, y...
AISHWARYA RAI BACHCHAN I know what it's like to be famous. It's good money and it's great fun. A real kick in t...
PIERCE BROSNAN When people say, 'You have Alzheimer's,' you have no idea what Alzheimer's is. You k...
NANCY REAGAN It's about stories. If I can tell the story to America, whether it's Riesling or a boxer fro...
GARY VAYNERCHUK You never know about the art world because it's a matter of opinion. If you look at old art like...
PETER SAUL Managers used to say, 'I have a gut feeling.' Do you know what a gut feeling is for a profes...
SAFRA A. CATZ I knew a lot about product design before coming to Apple, but I didn't understand a lot about co...
TONY FADELL Can dancing change your life? Yes. It's changed mine. What I've learned is, it's not abo...
LISA RINNA I don't know about the hair. I've had it since I was a kid, and when I look at myself in the...
ERIK HASSLE People can tell when you're happy with being you and when you're not. It's only cheesy b...
HAYDEN PANETTIERE The way that I look at it is that, when we film for eight months straight for a new 'Jackass'...
BAM MARGERA Sometimes I can't think of a better way to end my day than coming home and just strumming my uku...
JAKE SHIMABUKURO Rajneeshism is creating a Noah's Ark of consciousness, remaining centered exactly in the middle ...
RAJNEESH Any time you can get a muscle car back, it's a good thing.
ADAM FERRARA You can talk about what you see from the outside; it's hard to tell me who I am when you're ...
RAY LEWIS The first thing I look at with a project isn't who's directing, whether it's a big film;...
OPHELIA LOVIBOND I can say I won a Senior British Open at Turnberry. I think that's the best thing about it, the ...
FRED COUPLES People always want cars. It's a huge industry, and there's always new product coming out.
WAYNE HUIZENGA The quote-unquote 'description' of a leading man was once your tall, handsome man with the b...
KEVIN HART Coming from Australia and playing rugby, you just think that soccer is a bit soft, but I'll tell...
TANC SADE It's not just the kid who's spent every penny from his job to upgrade his car to tell the wo...
RICHARD HAMMOND I see there is a lot of behaviour in men's fashion, which is systematic. It's a lot about al...
RAF SIMONS We can talk about Manchester! I like coming here, it's a wicked city. It's my second favouri...
DAVE MASON You know, there's chronological age, there's biological age, and there's psychological a...
CHERYL TIEGS People get really nuts around cars. They get angry at cars, they get angry at their car, they get an...
MATT DILLON I've always had a man's mindset, and that's why I mostly have men friends, and that'...
KARRINE STEFFANS When you look at myself, I'm a coach, and that's what it's all about. When you're a ...
JASON KIDD Even if I don't always behave as I should, this still doesn't explain why so many people hav...
MARIO BALOTELLI I'm still a big 'Grey's Anatomy' fan.
BROOKE ELLIOTT I used to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' pretty religiously.
ERINN HAYES If it's about what I like, I like opera as a music and deathstep and dubstep.
DEYTH BANGER Actually, I met a lot of directors and most of them have that fantasy to make a silent movie because...
MICHEL HAZANAVICIUS Your car should drive itself. It's amazing to me that we let humans drive cars... It's a bug...
ERIC SCHMIDT Yeah, well I think anyone who likes fast cars will love the Tesla. And it has fantastic handling by ...
ELON MUSK If you look across the valley, you can see exactly what I mean: about four beautiful houses, and you...
JILLY COOPER Honestly, I don't look at it as work because I have way too much fun on set to actually classify...
BILLY UNGER I think that people should learn about that. In most music, there's one way that you do somethin...
BILLY HIGGINS I'm not trying to be new school and I'm not old school - I'm classic. There's a lot ...
LL COOL J It's difficult to talk about, you know, my inadequacies, my inability to stay sober when I'm...
DANIEL BALDWIN I can usually tell when a woman is going through a divorce because they look so gaunt and tired and ...
ANDIE MACDOWELL In hip-hop, there's not a lot of love. There's not a lot of love being spread. It's alwa...
J. COLE You can pick songs that sound like hits, but if it's not something that somebody wants to tell t...
JAKE OWEN Before you worry about what genre it is, about whether it's a loop or a drum, it's about wha...
BETH ORTON There's this classic car crash thing about 'Macbeth.' You can just see this car driving ...
JUSTIN KURZEL You usually can't tell what's inspiring until you look back on it.
CARLY SIMON I suppose I don't hear things, but I listen, if you know what I mean. And there is a big differe...
EVELYN GLENNIE I always love to look at something that I couldn't make, because I feel it's enlightening. I...
JONATHAN ANDERSON When you can, it's good to make healthy choices. But, I also believe in balance. It's not ab...
MIRANDA KERR When doing a series, I look for something that has an idea you can think about, something that I'...
DARREN STAR I can't tell you the number of people that are like, 'Has anyone ever told you you look like...
GILLIAN JACOBS Gosh, I think faith is a wonderful thing. And I even think religion's a wonderful thing. I know ...
KELSEY GRAMMER Any actor will tell you there's more of a schedule to doing a television show. That's why yo...
JASON MARSDEN I did the whole rock and roll thing that's coming up. I think you're going to enjoy that! &#...
GARRET DILLAHUNT So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said ...
TOMMY COOPER So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said ...
TIM VINE I think you can learn a lot about a guy from the way that he talks to you and the way that he compli...
ALY MICHALKA I'm moving into that eldership age, you know? I'm at the 'wise woman' age where it&#...
IYANLA VANZANT Manipulating people is what's so fun about poker. I love that you can just look into someone'...
CHERYL HINES I must tell you, I haven't done the drug problem that is faced by cops and people on the border....
AARON SPELLING I learned the importance of being confident. I think that at the end of the day, it's not so muc...
OLIVIA CULPO You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
RONALD REAGAN At the end of the day, man, you can't protect yourself from a haymaker that's coming in towa...
BUSTA RHYMES Why climb? That's a question that baffles me. It perplexes me. I really asked that a lot on Ever...
JON KRAKAUER When you think of Mitch Leigh as a businessman, remember he's also a composer. And when you thin...
MITCH LEIGH I know there's a lot of discussion about building a 2000-mile wall. I think we need to complete ...
MIKE MCCAUL

More Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable
MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM