FastSaying

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'


Steven Wright

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MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give h...
LEWIS GRIZZARD There have been times where I've said, 'Jesus, I don't believe in you anymore, get out o...
MIKE YACONELLI I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with yo...
GABRIEL IGLESIAS I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. ...
MITT ROMNEY If I don't get eight hours, I can't function, so I'm a great believer in power naps.
BOBBY DAVRO I don't have to walk around in hats or find remote places to go for lunch! I don't get recog...
MICHELLE DOCKERY A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves...
CARLY CRAIG Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill
ROLAND SMITH I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.
BILL ENGVALL I'm not the girl for super high fashion because I don't have the right body. When I want to ...
HALLE BERRY About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo...
PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only...
RICK RIORDAN I don't think you're human if you don't get nervous.
SIDNEY CROSBY I think if you're fame-hungry, go out to a nightclub and get drunk... why do that? I don't u...
ZAC EFRON If you get an audition and you're out of work, you just say, 'I've gotta go on this.'...
EVAN PETERS It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill
JUDE WATSON I don't have to get up in the morning and go beat up my body like I used to. I don't have to...
EMMITT SMITH I don't go out, so I don't get attention from girls. They're not going to have posters o...
GARETH BALE There's always a part of my brain saying: 'Stop getting comfortable. Don't relax.' B...
TOM ODELL If I don't get hits, I don't get hits, but I'm trying to get hits.
FREDDIE FREEMAN Becoming a father, I think it inevitably changes your perspective of life. I don't get nearly en...
HUGH JACKMAN I like girls who want to get up and dance and don't mind singing in front of my family - you kno...
OLLY MURS I just don't get boys; I don't really get men.
CHERYL COLE I don't care if it's one dollar or a thousand dollars - I'm going to go out and get it.
BLAC CHYNA Every two months, I'll get a trim, and every two years, I'll get a cut. And my night ritual ...
TRACEE ELLIS ROSS I've had that experience many, many, times - when you don't get roles. I'd developed a g...
ALDEN EHRENREICH I live in a fantasy world where I think I'm immune to all disease. I don't get sick and have...
JESSE SPENCER I don't like L.A. It's just not fun. I don't know why, but I just don't get it. You ...
LADY GAGA I don't think you'll ever get enough picking.
EARL SCRUGGS It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea.
JUDE WATSON We didn't name Birdie before she was born. When she came out I said, 'I think we gotta go wi...
BUSY PHILIPPS I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.
MARILYN MONROE You gotta learn that if you don't get it by midnight, chances are you ain't gonna get it, an...
CASEY STENGEL By exercising your stomach muscles, you wring out the body, you don't catch colds, you don't...
JOSEPH PILATES I just wrote a book, but don't go out and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finishe...
LAWRENCE WELK Having two kids, I don't get out to see stand up much anymore.
ADAM MCKAY I don't mind being pale. In high school, it seemed like everybody cared about being tan all year...
TAYLOR SWIFT I've got a few ideas," (Amy) admitted. "But I don't know where we're going in the long term. I mean ...
RICK RIORDAN My mom said, 'Don't get married. You're too young. Go out there and experience what life...
EMMITT SMITH Like most Russians, I am very superstitious, and if I don't get married, I don't get divorce...
CARINE ROITFELD I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision abou...
DEMETRI MARTIN Never say never, but I don't think I'll ever get Botox because we don't know the long-te...
KRISTIN CAVALLARI Well, I don't go out much socially. I don't enjoy going out.
BEATRICE WOOD I just don't get death at all. Yes, it's there. But I don't get it.
MANOLO BLAHNIK I don't get jealousy, I don't get how people hate each other - I never did.
NAS I don't believe I'll be in the new 'Arrested Development' unless they ask me, in whi...
SIMON HELBERG I don't think Obama will get re-elected.
JIM DEMINT If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
DALE CARNEGIE I write screenplays that don't get made and pilots that don't get picked up, and I re-write ...
BRUCE VILANCH I think all women go through periods where we hate this about ourselves, we don't like that. It&...
ANGELINA JOLIE I don't set the alarm to get up. I get up when I feel like it.
PATRICIA HIGHSMITH I go out and date people, but I don't have that relationship, where you know, I'm like Jenni...
MISSY ELLIOTT I realise few people get to live the life they always wanted, but I'm so neurotic, I don't r...
CHARLIE HUNNAM My favorite moments are the moments everyone cries over. I see people in the audience crying, and I ...
DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE I don't get wrapped up in technique and the like.
FAY GODWIN I don't even like to go out onto the streets sometimes because I can't get anything done. Pe...
USAIN BOLT I don't think of my songs as sad songs. I think of them as vulnerable and honest. I crack jokes ...
MARY LAMBERT I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet...
DANIEL TOSH I think, a lot of times, players get in trouble when they're asked questions and they think they...
DEREK JETER Alas, I think I am becoming a god.
TITUS Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name.
LUCAN I have a wife, I have sons: all of them hostages given to fate.
LUCAN I don't think you should go around talking trash about people because I think that's how you...
LL COOL J So many times, I watch games and think, 'Man, why is that guy trying to score like that? He can&...
DRAYMOND GREEN I don't have to go to the weight room. I don't have to go work out if I don't want to.
LADAINIAN TOMLINSON You don't get a standing ovation and get boos, by the way. They don't go hand in hand.
DONALD TRUMP When you get to know me, I don't despair - I just get up, clean up, and start again.
AVI ARAD I love the idea that we put in jokes the kids don't get. And that later, when they grow up and r...
MATT GROENING I don't wait for inspiration. I get up and write every day.
CATHY MARIE BUCHANAN I try to create an environment where it's okay to make a mistake, though it's not okay to be...
RUBEN SANTIAGO-HUDSON I think, by and large, the level of acting is mediocre. When I go to the theatre, I get so angry. I ...
UTA HAGEN I'm a normal girl. I don't go out much, and I don't know what is enjoyment.
SAINA NEHWAL So many fail because they don't get started - they don't go. They don't overcome inertia...
BEN STEIN Really you just gotta keep chugging along and keep a positive attitude and get through all the probl...
LESLEY GORE I don't get time to hang out with my friends because every time I make a plan, my agent tells me...
CAROLINE WINBERG I don't see the risk, I enjoy performing stunts, and I don't get scared.
AJAY DEVGAN When I made 'Eight Below,' they wanted me to shoot digital, and I didn't want to do it b...
FRANK MARSHALL Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwar...
TIM VINE What I find is that you don't need to go for fancy mascara - I always get the L'Oreal ones f...
JULIA RESTOIN ROITFELD People sometimes get a little extra criticism when they try something that they don't normally d...
KRISTEN WIIG I don't get fat, I get skinny.
DIANA ROSS I don't get jealous - I get suspicious.
RITA ORA If you think people are against you and that you're a target, things will start appearing that w...
HALIMA ADEN You can't manage by memo. You can't stand up there and just send out edicts. I think you jus...
TONY LA RUSSA I don't enjoy good food. I don't enjoy flashy cars. I don't care if I live in a dump. I ...
JACK KEVORKIAN People don't listen to terrestrial radio. They don't find their music that way. They don'...
KASKADE I don't want to go bald, I don't know what's coming up next.
CHRIS COOPER Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jo...
LEWIS BLACK 'St. Elmo's Fire' is one of my favorite films. I like the storytelling of those teenage ...
JAMES MCAVOY I don't like to spend a lot of money on haircuts: I'll sometimes grow my hair and get an act...
PAUL DANO I don't think I will ever get tired of wearing pink.
EMMA BUNTON I don't need anything to get me up at the gym other than 'Metallica' and 'AC/DC'...
BROCK LESNAR I don't really find a problem with technology or television or anything. I'm a product of it...
JASON BATEMAN I do not have bad days. I don't wake up in the morning and think that I'm going to get AIDS....
MAGIC JOHNSON I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's fu...
DEMETRI MARTIN I'm 5 foot 7, and I've got pasty white skin. I don't think I'm ugly, don't get m...
JAMES MCAVOY

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STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
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STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
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STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
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STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
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STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
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STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT