HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK. 1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Empty the Recycle Bin.5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'7. Feel better?

Warning!!! Very important, please read!!! Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whisky and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Coke and ice will ruin your teeth. That bloody ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause 3 times as many accidents.

Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands” (Richard Bach). And if not every problem, then just about every one. Even spectacular sunsets are not possible without cloudy skies. Troubles bring a gift for those who choose to look. And since I can't avoid my problems, why waste them? I should look for the gift. My life will be far, far richer for finding it.

Why not make a daily pleasure out a daily necessity.