Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.

They look like they had a wonderful time at Circuit City. They spent $700 there.

I'm happy because I'm not in Detroit. I never have to live in Detroit.

And here he was, a junior walk-on place-kicker whose sore leg had kept him out of practice for three weeks, standing 29 yards from never having to buy another beer in the state of Iowa.

And you know who lets them get away with lying? ... Baseball writers. Hardly any Hall of Fame voters have the (guts) to stand up and say, 'These guys cheated. I'm not voting them into the Hall of Fame.'

I write the story that nobody reads. Someday, I'm going to write it in German to see if anyone notices.