Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?
David Sedaris
Related When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy. DAVID SEDARIS I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing, ace, but this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit ain't ... SYLVIA DAY The danger of civilization, of course, is that you will piss away your life on nonsense. JIM HARRISON When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o... DAVID SEDARIS You can kill a man but you cant kill a idea. SOPHOCLES You can be a rooster one day and a feather duster the next FRANK MCMANUS You're right, he's a killer," you said. "A rooster with some serious issues. LUCY CHRISTOPHER i will admit there's a certain degree of giving a fuck that goes into not giving a fuck. by saying y... DAVID LEVITHAN They fuck you up, your mum and dad. / They may not mean to, but they do. / They fill you with the fa... PHILIP LARKIN You prank me … You fuck with me … You screw me up …... DEYTH BANGER California is a small woman saying, 'Fuck me.' New York is a large man saying, 'Fuck you! GEORGE CARLIN If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then ... JUSTIN HALPERN Now get the fuck up off the ground so I can put you in it... like a coffin. Because you'll be fuckin... ROBERT KIRKMAN Georgie: I feel stupid. Andrew: What are you talking about, you feel stupid? You just wal... THERESA REBECK Drop the fucking weapon, you fucking motherfucker or I'll fucking scramble your fucking brains. Hand... J.D. ROBB You wouldn't believe how much harder it's getting for me to just leave my studio. It's really sad. I... MARK Z. DANIELEWSKI I’ve done some soul searching… Looked deep within myself, ya know? I've reached the conclusion t... DENNIS SHARPE A guy can just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the ... KIM CATTRALL I know you'll tell me to fuck off, but I think Curran loves you. Truly loves you. And I think you lo... ILONA ANDREWS Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. He had the two wards of the fucking Marshal of the fucking Southern Pr... ILONA ANDREWS Be careful, little killer. The Fates can fuck with you in ways you can’t even imagine. LARISSA IONE Long-time viewing of Internet violence tend to change a person's temperament, making the person pron... YOU QUANXI If positive and healthy materials are absent, negative materials are sure to be dominant in the cybe... YOU QUANXI In a robust global business environment, our business units operated well in the first quarter. More... HARRY YOU The Board of Directors and I are pleased to recognize Peter's outstanding contribution to the succes... HARRY YOU We are pleased to close the books on 2004 following the painstaking review of almost five years of f... HARRY YOU I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of a... CHELSEA HANDLER Some of you probably hate us but I couldn't give a fuck [can we use that] because we're the best act... CHRIS MARTIN Fuck You Poem #45 Fuck you in slang and conventional English. Fuck you in lost and n... AMY GERSTLER Do you know? What the fuck do women want? l know what you want: everything. CHRIS ROCK God's will can go fuck itself. And so can you. JASON AARON Don't you know that nobody can make you be shit? You can only let it happen. JUXIAN TANG We can go steady and you can wear my letterman jacket.” “Ooooh, maybe,” she said playfull... KARINA HALLE We may paint our faces. We may fuck around. But pussy-ass bitches here wont be found. My homies stan... INSANE CLOWN POSSE You put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. And there’s no end in sight. I don’t know w... SYLVIA DAY When you think you are ready you are not ready. When you are not ready you are ready... DEYTH BANGER you know, god should have grabbed a scribers arm and made him write "but before that they were a bit... EDDIE IZZARD Fuck fear, and fuck Kit and fuck love. I don't need any of that muggle shit. TARRYN FISHER the thing is you can get used to anything you think you cant you want to die but you dont you cant y... ELIZABETH SCOTT We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be... BILL HICKS Did you know the pen is stronger than the knife: they can kill you once but they can't kill you twic... DAMIAN MARLEY If you can't say "Fuck" you can't say, "Fuck the government. LENNY BRUCE You fuck - you ate my cat! KENDARE BLAKE The more money I earn, the less they can stop me. Where I come from it's called fuck you money becau... MICHAEL MOORE You know what sucks about sorry? It's the worst word in the world. Because it always happens after y... BRIGID KEMMERER Appearance doesn’t matter, what matter is;
How you think!
How you work!
&
How you fuck! SMART GHOST Every time you wake up, you let fly the most marvelous string of curses. It’s never the same twice... TESSA DARE You'll learn. Silence and apathy are the best ways of saying Fuck You ANONYMOUS Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? No... JOAN RIVERS It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. BARBARA KINGSOLVER If you don't agree with me, I have two words for you: shut the fuck up. BILL SIMMONS Fuck you! I hope you die!" "Everybody Dies," I said. "So fuck you. LAWRENCE BLOCK The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. GILLIAN FLYNN People tell you the world looks a certain way. Parents tell you how to think. Schools tell you how t... CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Riding the Iron Rooster. PAUL THEROUX I don't know how to phrase this exactly but what the fuck? LEV GROSSMAN .... I was telling you... but you don't listen to me.... DEYTH BANGER Here we are being hard and relentlessly dazzling in spite of whatever shit. We are saying to each ot... MERRITT TIERCE Fallon, you're my Achilles Heel. I want to fuck you senseless, until you feel me imprinted on you ev... NAIMA SIMONE Fallon, you’re my Achilles Heel. I want to fuck you senseless, until you feel me imprinted on you ... NAIMA SIMONE Fuck it, except yourself; unless you wanna fuck more. EPHDAN Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off. JAROD KINTZ You'll always be my friend, won't you Fred? Don't let me fuck this up. I need you in my life now. I ... L.H. COSWAY Watch who you fuck with. You are not always in your territory, even if you think you are. COREY TAYLOR It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. BARBARA KINGSOLVER You can hear the wind blow but you cant see it. LAURA REESE Network television, they are always worried about how many times you are going to say 'Fuck' on the ... MICK JAGGER I’d say over my dead body, but I think you already made that point,” Michael snapped. “Thanks ... RACHEL CAINE When I was a kid, they had a saying, 'to err is human but to really fuck it up takes a computer.’ BENJAMIN R. SMITH A simple fuck is one thing, but let a man sleep with you just once and he thinks he can bring his do... MICHEL FABER I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. ... JUSTIN HALPERN The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi... MARY NORRIS You are a religious and a scholar; what the fuck? M.F. MOONZAJER You were what you were and you are what you are. Fuck that regrets bullshit. IRVINE WELSH You put on a mask. But don't you see? Nobody can really know you unless they know your extremes JAMES PATTERSON Meredith,” Taranis said, “how can you insult me like this? These men attacked a lady of my court... LAURELL K. HAMILTON Fuck you," said Czernobog. "Fuck you and fuck your mother and fuck the fucking horse you fucking rod... NEIL GAIMAN You can kill a revolutionary but you can never kill the revolution. FRED HAMPTON Fuck you! I pierced my nipples for her! STJEPAN ŠEJIć i can go on all day pretending to be happy an fooling the world and leave you wondiring when im gone... AMBER FAITH HUN Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving." Fuck... DAVID WONG Yeah, my life a bitch, but you know nothing about her Been to hell and back, I can show you vou... LIL WAYNE Will Smith don't got to cuss in his raps to sell records - well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too EMINEM I'm gonna love you with all these scars, with this sexy-as-fuck- short hair. However the fuck you lo... TILLIE COLE People think I'm unstable, but I tell you, Rose is ten times worse. Of course, that makes it harder ... RICHELLE MEAD U just gotta a ticket for the new town "FUCK YOU". DEYTH BANGER If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the w... J.D. SALINGER This morning do something different: When you wake up in the morning, wake your forgotten and forsak... MEHMET MURAT ILDAN Never knew what a friendship was, Never knew how to really love, You can't be what I need you to, &a... ERYKAH BADU Are you fighting evil tonight?...Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up. JAMES R. TUCK They fuck you up, your mum and dad? No, that wasn't it at all. Well, they did do that, perhaps, but ... SALMAN RUSHDIE They were barking at Rooster, and we intercepted it. But it was really a minor thing. Just hockey. JIM SCHOENFELD Control the things you can control, maggot. Let everything else take a flying fuck at you and if you... STEPHEN KING The doctor can fuck himself OZZY OSBOURNE I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek. “FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if... MICHELLE HODKIN Sometimes you can be with someone that you love, but you know it's not healthy for you. You stay... BENNY CASSETTE You can't fuck with the kid... and I'm the fucking kid! PHIL ANSELMO Nobody died. how can you kill an idea? How can you kill the personification of an action?" "The... NEIL GAIMAN If anyone tells you love makes you invincible, tell them they're full of shit. Love makes you parano... CHERIE M. HUDSON i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g... SIMI GREWAL
More David Sedaris
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DAVID SEDARIS Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she... DAVID SEDARIS The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate. DAVID SEDARIS The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student in... DAVID SEDARIS I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ... DAVID SEDARIS At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loade... DAVID SEDARIS On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From ... DAVID SEDARIS When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,... DAVID SEDARIS I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul... DAVID SEDARIS Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und... DAVID SEDARIS When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy. DAVID SEDARIS If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. DAVID SEDARIS People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with... DAVID SEDARIS There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows. DAVID SEDARIS I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi... DAVID SEDARIS The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o... DAVID SEDARIS The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o... DAVID SEDARIS Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. DAVID SEDARIS I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter... DAVID SEDARIS It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will... DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where... DAVID SEDARIS To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. DAVID SEDARIS Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ... DAVID SEDARIS What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. DAVID SEDARIS People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i... DAVID SEDARIS No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. 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DAVID SEDARIS A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ... DAVID SEDARIS Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ... DAVID SEDARIS You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey... DAVID SEDARIS On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot... DAVID SEDARIS It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking. DAVID SEDARIS States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t... DAVID SEDARIS I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed. DAVID SEDARIS When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o... DAVID SEDARIS It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o... DAVID SEDARIS I'm just a big liar. DAVID SEDARIS On Undecided Voters: "To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The f... DAVID SEDARIS It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o... DAVID SEDARIS In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,... DAVID SEDARIS Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt... DAVID SEDARIS I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people... DAVID SEDARIS He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making... DAVID SEDARIS Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m... DAVID SEDARIS Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac... DAVID SEDARIS Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—... DAVID SEDARIS I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing... DAVID SEDARIS Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi... DAVID SEDARIS If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. DAVID SEDARIS … [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve... DAVID SEDARIS One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h... DAVID SEDARIS When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out. DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi... DAVID SEDARIS the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w... DAVID SEDARIS Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio... DAVID SEDARIS The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom... DAVID SEDARIS The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w... DAVID SEDARIS the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle... DAVID SEDARIS The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some... DAVID SEDARIS You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi... DAVID SEDARIS What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for... DAVID SEDARIS You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard... DAVID SEDARIS They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o... DAVID SEDARIS Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai... DAVID SEDARIS He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us! DAVID SEDARIS Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ... DAVID SEDARIS We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han... DAVID SEDARIS If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some... DAVID SEDARIS I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t... DAVID SEDARIS As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character. DAVID SEDARIS The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day. DAVID SEDARIS I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m... DAVID SEDARIS I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot. DAVID SEDARIS What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was... DAVID SEDARIS I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so. DAVID SEDARIS College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for... DAVID SEDARIS between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,... DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c... DAVID SEDARIS Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t... DAVID SEDARIS When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no... DAVID SEDARIS If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven... DAVID SEDARIS The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. DAVID SEDARIS That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni! DAVID SEDARIS They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should... DAVID SEDARIS All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa... DAVID SEDARIS He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone. DAVID SEDARIS A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneas... DAVID SEDARIS I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no... DAVID SEDARIS As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. DAVID SEDARIS Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the... DAVID SEDARIS Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in th... DAVID SEDARIS whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn ... DAVID SEDARIS If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter o... DAVID SEDARIS I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk mo... DAVID SEDARIS I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. DAVID SEDARIS I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. DAVID SEDARIS My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six mon... DAVID SEDARIS Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. DAVID SEDARIS I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. DAVID SEDARIS But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. DAVID SEDARIS The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority.... DAVID SEDARIS The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I ... DAVID SEDARIS Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has... DAVID SEDARIS Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconvenienc... DAVID SEDARIS Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ... AMY SEDARIS Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ... AMY SEDARIS I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my... AMY SEDARIS My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. AMY SEDARIS I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo... AMY SEDARIS You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y... AMY SEDARIS I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak... AMY SEDARIS I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ... AMY SEDARIS People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. AMY SEDARIS I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But... AMY SEDARIS I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'... AMY SEDARIS More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ... AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus... AMY SEDARIS I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color. AMY SEDARIS If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway... AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto... AMY SEDARIS Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ... AMY SEDARIS But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty. AMY SEDARIS My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him. AMY SEDARIS When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel... AMY SEDARIS Books are challenging and inspirational to me. AMY SEDARIS I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop. AMY SEDARIS I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ... AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge... AMY SEDARIS I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ... AMY SEDARIS We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people. AMY SEDARIS My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m... AMY SEDARIS I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life. AMY SEDARIS My characters always like themselves. AMY SEDARIS It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product. AMY SEDARIS It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high... AMY SEDARIS I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea. AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive. AMY SEDARIS I'm not a first-place person. AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w... AMY SEDARIS I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts. AMY SEDARIS It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby... AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive. AMY SEDARIS