Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?