America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

We have to actually choose a name," Kane murmured above her head. "We can't keep calling him 'baby.' When he's fifteen he might resent it.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want to be funny. I'm a comedian, not a political thinker. We're changing the world one factual error at a time.