Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!