I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.