A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.

There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.