I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.