a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift for a guy... the plant is already dead (monologue Dec 10 2003).

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.

Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.

Did you hear about this story? ... Several Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated after a boat cruise on a lake turned into a wild sex party on this boat. ? What are they, 1-3? One and three. That's the only offensive thing they've done all season, actually.

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.