George Carlin quote: "You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN

The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN

Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN

Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN

I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN

Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN

How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN

We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN

We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN

Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN

... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN

Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN

It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN

we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN

Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN

There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN

I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN

[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN

Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN

They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN

I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN

Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN

The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN

What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN

I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN

I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN

I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN

He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN

Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN

You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN

'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN

In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN

If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN

What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN

Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN

Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN

Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN

I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN

One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

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George Carlin

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

George Carlin

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