You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus
Be dull and boring and omnipresent
Criticize things you don't know about
Be oblong and have your knees removed

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.

Free love, man, Free Love! Which, by the way, was the single greatest concept a young man has ever heard. About three years late, women got wise an my frustration returned to normal levels.

I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.