You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.