You can’t just bring a regular human here! What if the girl runs and tells the whole world on that Twitter thing about us?

If you are hunted then you better find real tree and then they will not find you. They will think that you are a tree so find real tree and you can hunt like a pro. You will never be hunted again.

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?

Just been told that I've been in a car crash with Stephen Merchant. I was eating cereal in my pj's when I heard. I hope I'm ok.

Twitter provides us with a wonderful platform to discuss/confront societal problems. We trend Justin Bieber instead.

I love seeing other channels counterprogram the Super Bowl. PBS: "DAMN RIGHT we're airing a new 'Masterpiece Classic'! Fuck off, sports!