You can come up with a million jokes.


Cory Raymer

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If you give your mind a $10,000 problem, it will come up with a $10,000 solution. If you give your m...
JACK CANFIELD
He can't remove his chinstrap. So he keeps his helmet on.
CORY RAYMER
I couldn't find a bidet to safe my life. But I had short notice.
CORY RAYMER
Green smiled at me, all that compassion in his eyes, and he cupped my face in his hands, as
tho...
AMY LANE
You wouldn't dream in a million years that something you have on a shoe and walk around with can com...
JUANNA GRAHAM
I write in reverse: Rather than come up with a narrative and write jokes for that narrative, I write...
JEFF KINNEY
I loved Omar Vizquel. He tells some really long jokes, and he has his own way of telling them, but h...
STEVE FINLEY
My son jokes with me that he thinks I Google the word 'sad' to come up with book ideas.
PATRICIA MCCORMICK
There is no question that county and state dollars will have to be used. It's just hard to imagine t...
BETH MILLER
He needs to reconnect with soft Democrats and independent voters, keep the rhetoric and the jokes do...
ALLAN HOFFENBLUM
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have ...
MILTON BERLE
By the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes--a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes.
E.M. FORSTER
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jo...
LEWIS BLACK
I get appalled when I see good drivers being left on the sidelines because they haven't come up with...
JOHN SURTEES
We're joined by deputy Cory Johnson. Cory, I guess the first thing we want to ask you is how are you...
ERIC WADDELL
If someone can make money from you, you can do more things, and eventually, you can do things you co...
ELIZABETH MARVEL
Cory is just starting to come into his own as a player. We expect him to be a good special teams per...
BRENDAN TAMAN
You can't just yell jokes at people.
DAVID CROSS
There are eleven million Jews in the world. I don't say that all of them will come here, but I e...
DAVID BEN-GURION
There are a lot of wives who previously would have stuck things out. Now, if their husband is worth ...
BARBARA SIMPSON
You can spend $50 million to $100 million to close 15 doors, ... and during those five years another...
CHARLES YESALIS
If you don't have your experiences in the moment, if you gloss them over with jokes or zoom past...
DAVID RAKOFF
You can get a company to revenues in your lifetime. And you can get a company to profitable revenues...
GERRY LANGELER
You can come here with a group that is very disruptive and they'll end up being entirely focused.
BECKY JOHNSON
As far as the city goes, we will go with anything you (Grubb & Ellis) can come up with.
BRUCE MCMILLER
It's a lot more convenient than going in a store, and it's twice the ice, ... It's a wonder someone ...
HARRY JACKSON
Senior night can go one of two ways. It can either get your emotions stirred up early and you can co...
BILLY WALLER
There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, th...
IAN HART
Now the question is whether or not you can come up with enough good stuff to,
CHARLIE WEIS
But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits!
BETH REVIS
When I first started working, it was a little bit like that. They said, "Come be a writer, but we'll...
ANDY RICHTER
A joint assessment has come up with a $30 million requirement to fill the needs to improve surveilla...
JUERGEN VOEGELE
They'll be able to meet it. There's different ways of meeting that, too. They can come up with cash....
JEFF RAINEY
I thought Cory Hiatt also had a phenomenal game defensively.
KYLE HALL
(Brittany) is real funny, loud and outgoing. She can make you laugh to get you in a good mood for yo...
MALLORY VOELKER
You come up with the concept. You come up with the visuals for it. Then you hire a supplier, like a ...
ANDY HIRSCH
They can make the wild ideas; we come up with a reality.
FRANK BENNETT
If the world breaks a million and one promises, can you trust the million and second?
RICK YANCEY
Jokes are only funny when you have a smile that can spread and not a smirk that irritates
MARK LAMBERT
Once you come up with a premise, you have to work out how it all happened. It's a bit like comin...
LINWOOD BARCLAY
With true free speech has to come an understanding of when and when not to use it. But you can't...
NICK HARKAWAY
There are a million rules for being a girl. There are a million things you have to do to get through...
ELIZABETH SCOTT
I'm a thinker. That is what I do, in great depth and detail, every waking moment of the day. I like ...
BRIAN HERBERT
Unification of differences is power.
SHESH NATH VERNWAL
You can have a million dollar, 20 million dollar budget or 60 million dollar budget, and if you don&...
TIPPI HEDREN
You can't push the envelope at 10,000 RPM and expect to come out smelling like a rose and feelin...
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
She will come after us with $10 million. She simply writes another check,
SLADE GORTON
When you have someone like Cory, you know he'll find you if you're open. When a shot is missed, I li...
BRYAN HUBER
If you come to Georgia, you can open up a company in a day. You yourself can come tomorrow and estab...
BIDZINA IVANISHVILI
A strike is just a disaster for families. You're going to think twice before you re-enroll next year...
BILL JACKSON
Some of the fossils are up to 230 million years old with a total value of between four and five mill...
IAN CAMPBELL
They have a little over 1 million square feet, with another building going up. We have close to 12 m...
JUDY MENDENHALL
Have you started already? Keep it up! Are you getting tired? Don't give up! Did you quit? You can do...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
We had been projecting an (annual) sales rate of 16 million vehicles in September. If I take out a t...
BOB SCHNORBUS
My brother and I had a reputation for telling real bad jokes. We told the worst jokes in town. As a ...
WALLY HIRSTEIN
There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work...
IAN HART
If you close six elementary schools, for example, you can take $1.2 million away from the deficit, a...
DAN BURNS
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
DAVID OGILVY
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
DAVID M. OGILVY
If you ask a million players who they would want as manager, they will come back with a top three li...
DIEGO COSTA
I think a $70 million payroll can be more than competitive, which is indicative of what happened las...
JIM DUQUETTE
Cartooning is for people who can't quite draw and can't quite write. You combine the two hal...
MATT GROENING
The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore. They had become stories. Nobody brought up the bad names or ...
STEPHEN CHBOSKY
Some teenagers have the answers to everything, but can never come up with a solution.
DR. JUAN CLAS
You've got to have between 12 and 15 times of your final year's living expenses saved up. If you're ...
BEN STEIN
I receive Income from you, can you point one reason why not to be nice with ya?
DEYTH BANGER
A book does not make bad jokes, drink too much or eat more than you can afford to pay for.
KENNETH TURAN
'Why don't you come up sometime 'n see me? I'm home every evening.... Come up. I'll tell your fortun...
MAE WEST
We came up with 500 beds, but at a cost of over a million dollars.
KATHERINE MARTIN
I'd rather fight 100 structure fires than a wildfire. With a structure fire you know where your flam...
TOM WATSON
Elder mocked me for praying once, and i spent an hour berating him for that. He ended up throwing up...
BETH REVIS
I open my mouth. I want o say: I'm breaking, and i need someone to hold me together.
But no sou...
BETH REVIS
Where you are with what you have, what you can do.
DHARM BABU
You can learn from them, you can see what is bothering people. ... The jokes are a screen on which p...
MARC GALANTER
Beware of fishing for compliments - you might come up with a boot
CAROL WESTON
The only information I have is that he was at the halfway house, and was missing when they took the ...
CHERYL MILLION
My standard for the women in my life is like, 'If no man can treat you better than I can treat y...
ALDIS HODGE
You can't talk about dealing with this 11 million population unless you engage the 11 million.
ANGELA KELLEY
I'm the perfect girl. You read about me in Maxim or whatever. I tell dirty jokes like I'm one of the...
GARTH ENNIS
You can make the dream come true if you wake up and work.
SOURCE UNKNOWN
It is more important than ever to come up with a consensus candidate everyone can respect.
DEBRA L. NESS
George W. Bush bought the election - period. End of story. There is no argument. You can try to come...
GARY COLEMAN
I have 40 years of unpublished material, the ones they don't pick, and the reason I don't redraw the...
SERGIO ARAGONES
You come out at 5:30 to warm up and see folks up in the stands cheering you on while you're warming ...
JAMES POINDEXTER
I don't look to jokes as a balanced look at life. But they can be an indicator. Jokes work on shared...
MARC GALANTER
[Henry] pitched a great game ? with this kind of wind, where everything in the air is a home run. We...
FRED BENCRISCUTTO
It's amazing to think that a single piece of amber with a single spider in it can open up a window i...
DAVID PENNEY
For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies.
LAURENCE STERNE
I'd rather fight 100 structure fires than a wildfire. With a structure fire you know where your ...
TOM WATSON
I think one of my first jokes - in the black community, there's people who have jokes about skin...
HANNIBAL BURESS
Bargaining makes you come up with the best ideas.
TREY PARKER
Any time you can build jokes around a story that resonates on an emotional level, it is going to hav...
WILL ARNETT
You don't have to sign up and you can come to any session you choose.
JACKIE BORSANYI
We had come to terms with them on price, and there were a million things that needed to be settled.
DAVID GEFFEN
Stay up... 'till you come up... when you come up stay up!
JOHNNIE DENT JR.
I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes,
RAINN WILSON
Cory was very efficient with what he did down at the post. He's capable of that night in and night o...
BEAU THOMPSON
Only by having a cattle pen in one's head, can a person come up with so much bullshit!
PHILLIPUS JJ VORSTER
Obedience is bondage, if God wants to be adored he should make himself more loving.
LAURA WHITCOMB
If thinking is your fate, revere this fate with divine honour and sacrifice to it the best, the most...
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

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It was wonderful. I played the best poker of my life and I got as lucky as I've ever gotten in my li...
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… Send me one.
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If you grew up where I grew up, you would experience a very different criminal justice system than C...
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Hemp has the potential to be a major boon to Colorado agriculture, giving farmers another viable and...
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We must pursue immigration reform - it's something we have to do, something that starts with bor...
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The fact is, our men and women in uniform, the bravest in the world, did everything they could to pr...
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If you stare at someone long enough, they'll eventually look back at you.
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He had them as spellbound as a room full of Ewoks listening to C-3PO.
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Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
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This is why I loved technology: if you used it right, it could give you power and privacy.
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Patriotism is love of country. But you can't love your country without loving your countrymen an...
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Being vegan for me is a cleaner way of not participating in practices that don't align with my v...
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Since the trade, I was just thinking about this day and mentally preparing to not get too excited. I...
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I think the American people aren't looking for loyalty amongst candidates to other candidates. W...
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You have to understand the Newark Riots - a lot of people understand that the pain was the initial e...
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'Lovelace' was really great. I got to work with the wonderful Amanda Seyfried, Hank Azaria a...
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'Lovelace' was really great. I got to work with the wonderful Amanda Seyfried, Hank Azaria a...
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I was very excited to meet Amanda Seyfried. She is one of the most humbling human beings you will ev...
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I recently had a few days off while shooting a movie in Budapest, so I took a cab from the set to th...
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I keep a pretty low profile. I live in Culver City with some roommates. I don't do the whole ...
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Patriotism is a love of country. If you love your country, you should love your countrymen and women...
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I respect and value the ideals of rugged individualism and self-reliance. But rugged individualism d...
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There is too much disagreement for disagreement's sake. In a time of persistent challenges that ...
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No matter who you are, no matter what your color, creed, how you choose to pray or who you choose to...
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These are the themes in life which are consistent in Judaism, Islam, Hinduism - of being grounded in...
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Marriage equality is not a choice. It is a legal right.
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I know Donald Trump. I've met him; I know his family. I have love and friendship and affection f...
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In America we have a Declaration of Independence, but our history, our advancements, our global stre...
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Small acts of decency ripple in ways we could never imagine.
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It's incredibly flattering to be a U.S. senator, which I want to stay at for a long time.
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My whole life has been about confronting cynicism.
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Cities can become the engines that fuel our nation's growth and prosperity, and they can be wide...
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If we want a great nation, we have to change it ourselves.
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Stay faithful in things large and taking on the world, but stay faithful in those things small - bec...
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I'm hopeful that at the end of my life, someone like Frederick Douglass would look at my life an...
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You can be like a thermometer, just reflecting the world around you. Or you can be a thermostat, one...
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My family is no different from yours. We may be different from the geography that we come from. Some...
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You can't have a physical transformation until you have a spiritual transformation.
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You've got to be one that, wherever you are, like a flower, you've got to blossom where you&...
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If you look at great human civilizations, from the Roman Empire to the Soviet Union, you will see th...
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Yeah, it's risky, but no more risky than driving a car.
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My father passed away a few days before my election. This man, an African American born to a poor si...
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The issues we hear Donald Trump talking about are just so contrary to who we are as a people. They a...
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Our platform calls for a balanced deficit reduction plan where the wealthy pay their fair share. And...
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When your country is in a costly war, with our soldiers sacrificing abroad and our nation facing a d...
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Government has got to open up and engage citizenry as partners.
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Our platform is crafted by Democrats but it is not about partisanship, its about pragmatism.
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I made a lot of good friends in Philadelphia and the last thing that I would want to do is dog anyon...
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my problem isn’t piracy, it’s obscurity
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The drug war has been a war where the direct casualties have primarily been America's poor; Amer...
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My generation of Americans, the scions of daring dreamers, the children of the fearlessly faithful a...
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If we cannot provide excellent educational opportunities to all children, safe communities, quality ...
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It's hard not to like Asimov; he's a really likable guy.
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The other one I did was 'I, Robot.' I take apart Isaac Asimov's Robots world.
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I have never articulated a specific number, but I think a nation as great as we are, that professes ...
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I thought that Donald Trump's ascendancy would end when he attacked John McCain, saying he's...
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I have seen too many of my male friends - no matter whether they're on the football field or ins...
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I was dirt-poor. I could barely hold down a job. Eventually, though, I started getting small parts o...
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Cities can be places that represent the best of our ideals: where Americans of all different backgro...
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This November, with the re-election of President Barack Obama, this generation of Americans will eve...
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As a result of the strategic patience policy, we now have North Korea testing four times an atomic w...
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I see the people in the tabloids, the ones that get bad press, who have kind of gone off the edge, a...
CORY MONTEITH
If we are going to do big things in our country, we're going to have to think about better ways ...
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My weakness in life is two men who seduce me all the time - named Ben & Jerry.
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May we all, as a nation of believers, fight for the achievement of America; may we make sacrifices w...
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We choose forward. We choose inclusion. We choose growing together. We choose American economic migh...
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If I don't make the team out of spring training, I'll keep a good attitude. I'll just go...
CORY LIDLE
Never underestimate the determination of a kid who is time-rich and cash-poor.
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Let's make sure we're doing what we can in our own backyard to gain our energy independence ...
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This is our history - from the Transcontinental Railroad to the Hoover Dam, to the dredging of our p...
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We have antiquated policies that were put in place in the 1970s that prohibit us from exporting our ...
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I debated between law school and divinity.
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For the love of God, unless you’re prepping for Rigoletto at the Met, go easy on the eyeliner.
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Put simply, I want to treat my readers as partners and not crooks. There is no future in calling you...
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Americans, at our best, stand up to bullies and fight those who seek to demean and degrade others.
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Now, President Obama has to make a decision. He can either propose a nominee who can win over the ma...
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We can't disrespect people for having a different opinion.
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There's a real question of what the United States could do if we detain somebody out of Syria ri...
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He is doing and accomplishing a lot of things that haven't been done in his family before. Everythin...
CORY ANDERSON
Those guys put you in a situation to win every game. That's why they are in the top four.
CORY ANDERSON
Through the fall and winter, he has shown a lot of improvement. I think he has shown that he can tak...
CORY ANDERSON
That's a three run error on the umpire.
CORY ANDERSON
I think, obviously, they played with confidence today. We know we can beat teams like this.
CORY ANDERSON
You take a triple crown guy off your team, you're going to feel the effects. Conversely, I think we'...
CORY ANDERSON
That just gives [Jamestown] confidence. That's a big part of what's going on. This team, three games...
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He was probably not as sharp as he normally is.
CORY ANDERSON
We can't give them extra outs. We're not going to score enough runs, where we can give a lot of extr...
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I felt he deserved the opportunity to start a game. He hasn't started one all year. We were going to...
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I think having worked in a department store setting, if my life had not taken a drastically differen...
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America has seen enough of a handful of people growing rich at the cost of our nation descending int...
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Our nation was not founded because we all looked alike, or prayed alike, or descended from the same ...
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No one should do a job he can do in his sleep.
CORY DOCTOROW
It's not necessarily about what career you pick. It's about how you do what you do.
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Never underestimate the determination of a kid who is time rich and cash poor.
CORY DOCTOROW
Abnormal is so common, it's practically normal.
CORY DOCTOROW
Engineers are all basically high-functioning autistics who have no idea how normal people do stuff.
CORY DOCTOROW
All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That's in the nature of secrets.
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While our nation's attention is rightly focused on the Middle East, the North Korean threat has ...
CORY GARDNER
The challenge isn't to replace his shoes, because I can't. Our styles are different. He's actually g...
CORY WITHROW
What happens once you get a felony conviction? Now you are entering this American caste system where...
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Minorities do not believe this country will give them a fair shake.
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Senator Udall focused his entire campaign as a social-issues warrior, and that was rejected by the p...
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One of the things that's always amazed me about people who attack me, saying I'm opposed to ...
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We also must pull from our highest ideals of justice and protect against those ills that destabilize...
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In Newark, we see a problem and want to seize it, but we run up against the wall of state government...
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Equal protection under the law - for race, religion, gender or sexual orientation - should not be su...
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The Keystone Pipeline would create good-paying jobs. Not only where the pipeline is being built, goo...
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This is a government program run amok, and we owe it to the taxpayers to find out exactly what happe...
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The Hilltop wanted to run a regular comic strip, so I tried to do something that would appeal to How...
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When I go about my own politics, I meet Tea Party supporters who I can work with in Congress, that I...
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I stole a significant amount of money from a family member. I knew I was going to get caught, but I ...
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I like the idea of dating, but I'm not dating anyone exclusively, particularly right now. It'...
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I'm Joe Canada, who never went to high school. I've never even been to a football game.
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I think we kinda rattled them early, but that's all a part of our game.
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I knew they'd be out early, that they'd come out and bully us and if they got ahead, bury us. I kind...
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Nobody expected Darryl Glenn to win, and he's won every time.
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How do I put this? 'Glee' is like 'High School Musical' if 'High School Musical&...
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We wanted to get Levi out there so he could work on some things. He has been one of our starters all...
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I'm just trying to touch the world and touch the people and just get good material. And show the...
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The Constitution makes very clear what the obligation of the United States Senate is and what the ob...
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It stinks. I guess they wanted to make a move because of their record, but I went from one emotional...
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She's probably one of the most well-known foreign correspondents in today's news. She's got that rep...
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We try to have our shows correspond to a particular season. 'Phantom' fits perfectly with Halloween.
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Generations of heroic Americans have made America more inclusive, more expansive, and more just.
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Love is like a puzzle but remember all puzzles can be solved.
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We got behind in counts and they teed-off on us. It's nothing new to the kids. We have to get ahead ...
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It was loud and obnoxious. They have very good fans and they are very enthusiastic. It will make it ...
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These false barriers that we've erected of space and race, all these illusions that we've al...
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We are all innovators, we all like to use our imagination, which is our greatest tool.
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I'm intending to work on juvenile justice reform, sentencing reform, reentry, drug treatment, ac...
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Let us declare that we are a nation of interdependence, and that in America love always trumps hate....
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To say that we should engage in some hypothetical about, 'Will I vote for Trump,' that's...
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When I saw 'Independence Day,' I said, 'I want to be like Will Smith.' I want to do ...
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I don't know what God has planned for me or you or anyone, but I do know that in darkness, you d...
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Funding for women's healthcare must actually go to fund women's healthcare, not to line the ...
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I'm very knowledgeable of the challenges before me.
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We need to look at the totality of the things that we're labeling as violent and really examine ...
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We become distracted from productive labors by our perceived opponents; we become focused on them an...
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I reject the idea that the guy who comes out of Yale and goes to work in the projects in Newark is g...
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You definitely fall a lot more. But it's not like you're tumbling on the dirt and rocks. It's just l...
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And how about John Stout? He's been wrestling well in the practice room. He had the crowd behind him...
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It's tough playing in this environment as a freshman, but he held his team in the game late. His pla...
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The team overall was ready to play, even after the long trip. It didn't seem to phase them when it c...
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I don't have an explanation or excuse for it. They played better than we did and we weren't very goo...
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(Ben Davis) got after it defensively.
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He is the leader on the team and a consummate professional. All the young guys watch him. He is a gr...
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I work at it twice a week with my coaches. I have the pads on and try to snap a couple hundred balls...
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The past five to 10 years, Maine and BC have played a lot of big games. It's a testament to the two ...
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We want it. It's so prestigious and something you'll always remember if you win it. That's the first...
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The team is playing well in front of me. They are blocking shots, and we got a couple of lucky bounc...
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It's not too bad. You try to downplay it. It's part of being a good team. You have to play in tough ...
CORY SCHNEIDER
That's probably the best team in the tournament we'll play.
CORY SCHNEIDER
He's a hard-nosed player. He's not afraid to mix it up and get in people's faces. That probably wasn...
CORY SCHNEIDER
We are not that disappointed. That's probably the best team we will play. I thought it was the ultim...
CORY SCHNEIDER
We played pretty well, considering this was the ultimate road game.
CORY SCHNEIDER
One year I had about 14 different returns. That's a lot of signatures when it comes time.
CORY SARICH
My mum died of leukemia when I was in high school - she lost her life at 40. It was very hard, and I...
CORY HARDRICT
We come to the rink and expect to win every night, and that's what we've done all year. It's more th...
CORY STILLMAN
I love mayors.
CORY BOOKER
People who get comfortable in their spirit miss what they were created for. They were created to mag...
CORY BOOKER
We have seven student-athletes who are going to be very competitive at the NCAA Championship. The al...
CORY SCHWARTZ
We were the guinea pigs.
CORY SMITH
There's no question the market's strong.
ART CORY
In all my years of doing this, I've never seen as many sales at such high values as I have now.
ART CORY
Anyone who has a homestead exemption on their property, even though their market value may go up dou...
ART CORY
Booger is quick and strong. Real quick and strong.
CORY WITHROW
They're just a highly skilled team, and we know that if we have just one breakdown against them, it ...
CORY STILLMAN
Marcus is such a fast learner. For a rookie, he's picked up our offense pretty well. All the pressur...
CORY WITHROW
Fishers of fish and fishers of men.
CORY SIMONS
I loaded up the van and the truck and it was over a hundred dollars. That was just in one day, and w...
CARL CORY
I think with Sharpe James, anything was possible.
CORY BOOKER
We have to have a mayor and a council who will take City Hall and fight that fight.
CORY BOOKER
We will make a city hall that truly serves the people who live there.
CORY BOOKER
I would love to play the President of the United States. I have been told we resemble each other, an...
CORY HARDRICT
She's so versatile. She can out rebound taller people, she's a quick jumper and she has a nose for t...
CORY CLAYTON
Industrial hemp is a safe substance with many practical commercial applications.
CORY GARDNER
When we come to the rink we're having fun, but we also expect to win, ... That's a great mentality t...
CORY STILLMAN
I noticed when Marcus came back last year, he was hungry about everything. He was hungry about finis...
CORY HOLT
I spent eight years living without heat and hot water.
CORY BOOKER
Hopelessness is a really toxic and dangerous state.
CORY BOOKER
War is the tool of small-minded scoundrels who worship the death of others on the altar of their gre...
JOHN CORY
Guantanamo Bay is a facility that I think should be utilized by the United States for detainees, say...
CORY GARDNER
This isn't a Republican issue. This isn't a Democrat issue. This is something that both part...
CORY GARDNER
It took us awhile to get rolling. The captains and seniors stepped up and made some big plays for us...
CORY PARKER
She's gone outside the norm of success, giving out awards in philanthropy. She's given back to allow...
CORY ARMSTRONG
It's hard to play catch-up against a good team. We had some breakdowns in all three facets of the ga...
CORY YEOMAN
It's a story of little girls who are pressed into working in sweat shops in games, who spend all...
CORY DOCTOROW