You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.