Dave Attell quote: "Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!"

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are t...
DAVE ATTELL

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELL

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you shoul...
DAVE ATTELL

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you kno...
DAVE ATTELL

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ""the cops."" But you k...
DAVE ATTELL

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
DAVE ATTELL

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish, ... You know what you s...
DAVE ATTELL

Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal...and you wonder why the attack you. Because of ...
DAVE ATTELL

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good s...
DAVE ATTELL

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they...
DAVE ATTELL

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
DAVE ATTELL

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you s...
DAVE ATTELL

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
DAVE ATTELL

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I d...
DAVE ATTELL

I found a gray hair one of my testicles the today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.
DAVE ATTELL

I found a gray hair on one of my testicles today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.
DAVE ATTELL

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dud...
DAVE ATTELL

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when the...
DAVE ATTELL

I have no grand scheme.
DAVE ATTELL

I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL

I'm not like a performer type.
DAVE ATTELL

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELL

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELL

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
DAVE ATTELL

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good...
DAVE ATTELL

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.
DAVE ATTELL

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I...
DAVE ATTELL

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
DAVE ATTELL

Being on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELL

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
DAVE ATTELL

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality o...
DAVE ATTELL

I do still get shocked every once in a while when I catch my reflection when I'm walking past a ...
DAVE MATTHEWS

Everyone has a breaking point, turning point, stress point, the game is permeated with it. The fans ...
DAVE WINFIELD

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
DAVE BARRY

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admi...
DAVE BARRY

Instead of sailing off into the sunset, he hopes to sail into the next century.
DAVE ANDERSON

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
DAVE BARRY

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another pe...
DAVE BARRY

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
DAVE BARRY

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is ...
DAVE BARRY

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to a...
DAVE BARRY

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
DAVE BARRY

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
DAVE BARRY

I never excelled at one sport or had a very strong passion for anything other than wrestling and bod...
DAVE BAUTISTA

As an individual, I think you have to find your own path. I like the simplicity and purity of Hindui...
DAVE DAVIES

I had a few brushes with death, where I nearly chose to go. The final one in 1996 did it for me. I s...
DAVE GAHAN

The important thing to remember is that bugs don't actually talk.
DAVE FOLEY

When people get disillusioned and get insecure and content about the future, they tend to brood abou...
DAVE DAVIES

Jazz isn't dead yet. It's the underpinning of everything in this country. Whether it's a...
DAVE BRUBECK

And that's actually the brunt of what we do is, people going straight from their workplace, stra...
DAVE EGGERS

That's country music for you - bourbon and the Bible.
DAVE HAYWOOD

So this is the space during tutoring hours. It's very busy. Same principles: one-on-one attentio...
DAVE EGGERS

You can do and use the skills that you have. The schools need you. The teachers need you. Students a...
DAVE EGGERS

The Left likes to think of itself as the bulwark of progressive liberal individualism, and yet it se...
DAVE BRAT

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY

A standard sitcom... is a very standard idea, like these people falling in love and living with each...
DAVE FINKEL

Standing out as a writer today requires more than a bright idea and limpid prose. Authors need to be...
DAVE MORRIS

Empire Square production finishes in about a month's time, so at the moment, right now, I'm ...
DAVE ROWNTREE

It is criminal to put our servicemen and women in harm's way and to put the lives of so many civ...
DAVE MATTHEWS

We don't have enough people going into those fields and there is a high burnout rate in some hea...
DAVE OBEY

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is th...
DAVE BARRY

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
DAVE BARRY

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes i...
DAVE BARRY

I go to see some big shows of other bands, and I feel like I'm so bombarded and over-stimulated ...
DAVE GAHAN

I'm tired of high policy talks. I want to focus on nuts and bolts.
DAVE FREUDENTHAL

The thing that will never go away is that connection you make with a band or a song where you're...
DAVE GROHL

I played a homosexual bodyguard in 'The Last Detective,' and that was quite a pleasure to do...
DAVE LEGENO

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY

The baby boomer surge is forcing society to face decisions about costs - and particularly what is va...
DAVE DEBRONKART

Granted, a long book can be as daunting as a hard one. I nearly reached for 'Game of Thrones'...
DAVE MORRIS

Joy comes from places you least expect it. It's usually the simple things, like watching my son ...
DAVE GAHAN

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or...
DAVE BARRY

The waves of love roll throughout the Universe, and overflow in our hearts..
Everything is ONE!
DAVE ZEBIAN

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a mor...
DAVE BARRY

I'm so alive.

As I stand facing the beauty of the never-ending Pacific Ocean, a late afte...
DAVE PELZER

'Breaking Bad' and 'The Shield' were planned right from the start so that their narr...
DAVE MORRIS

I found there's a fairly blatant racism in America that's already there, and I don't thi...
DAVE MATTHEWS

I want to make hand-held music, undiminished by the need to make everybody in the world listen at on...
DAVE SITEK

We all have to die some day, if we live long enough.
DAVE FARBER

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless...
DAVE BARRY

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitutio...
DAVE BARRY

There just isn’t enough cock in this world to be caught suckin’ and be called anything but a slu...
DAVE MATTHES

...you're either gonna spend your life fucking pussy, or taking it to church.
DAVE MATTHES

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
DAVE BARRY

That’s what books do. They are the building blocks, the DNA, if you will, of you. Think of everyth...
DAVE EGGERS

I will not wait to love as best as I can. We thought we were young and that there would be time to l...
DAVE EGGERS

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
DAVE BARRY

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know ...
DAVE BARRY

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
DAVE BARRY

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
DAVE BARRY

I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
DAVE BARRY

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my car...
DAVE BARRY

The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter ...
DAVE BARRY

It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have...
DAVE BARRY

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to r...
DAVE BARRY

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
DAVE BARRY

I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.
DAVE BARRY

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is ba...
DAVE BARRY

Books have a unique way of stopping time in a particular moment and saying: Let’s not forget this.
DAVE EGGERS

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing...
DAVE MATTHEWS

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see wi...
DAVE BARRY

Can you imagine the reaction of a British tabloid newspaper if they found a small school in rural En...
DAVE GORMAN

We have advantages. We have a cushion to fall back on. This is abundance. A luxury of place and time...
DAVE EGGERS

How could I have been anyone other than me?
DAVE MATTHEWS

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormit...
DAVE BARRY

As a rule, software systems do not work well until they have been used, and have failed repeatedly, ...
DAVE PARNAS

Don't get suckered in by the comments ... they can terribly be misleading.
DAVE STORER

Giving half answers won't make the conversation half as long.
DAVE JOHNSON

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would b...
DAVE BARRY

A theme is a memory aid, it helps you through the presentation just as it also provides the thread o...
DAVE CAREY

What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be...
DAVE BARRY

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popula...
DAVE BARRY

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated ...
DAVE BARRY

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
DAVE BARRY

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who ...
DAVE BARRY

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the ...
DAVE BARRY

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in...
DAVE BARRY

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
DAVE BARRY

Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns h...
DAVE BARRY

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...
DAVE BERRY

Anything done for the first time unleashes a demon.
DAVE SIM

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any ...
DAVE BARRY

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
DAVE BARRY

A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer
DAVE BARRY

It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mer...
DAVE BARRY

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the p...
DAVE BARRY

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they...
DAVE BARRY

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
DAVE BARRY

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withst...
DAVE BARRY

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
DAVE BARRY

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas...
DAVE BARRY

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that h...
DAVE BARRY

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to sa...
DAVE BARRY

And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to ta...
DAVE BARRY

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
DAVE BARRY

Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
DAVE BARRY

New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
DAVE BARRY

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organiza...
DAVE BARRY

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won...
DAVE BARRY

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
DAVE BARRY

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
DAVE BARRY

I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Futu...
DAVE BARRY

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a compute...
DAVE BARRY

If you can't excell with talent, triumph with effort.
DAVE WEINBAUM

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
DAVE BARRY

Our environmental problems originate in the hubris of imagining ourselves as the central nervous sys...
DAVE FOREMAN

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see wit...
DAVE BARRY

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but ...
DAVE BARRY

We are not meant to know everything, Mae. Did you ever think that perhaps our minds are delicately c...
DAVE EGGERS

You sit at a desk twelve hours a day and you have nothing to show for it except some numbers that wo...
DAVE EGGERS

It’s not that I’m not social. I’m social enough. But the tools you guys create actually manufa...
DAVE EGGERS

Even in a country like the USA where fitness has become an obsession, most people exercising do not ...
DAVE WILSON

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, usi...
DAVE BARRY

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
DAVE BARRY

Life's real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.
DAVE CHECKETT

You can't choose what you're famous for in life.
DAVE KELLETT

The English language was carefully, carefully cobbled together by three blind dudes and a German dic...
DAVE KELLETT

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple lea...
DAVE MEURER

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY

The future is no place to place your better days.
DAVE MATTHEWS

Nothing can do what a book can do. Lifts you out of your life... to a whole new world, whole new per...
DAVE KELLETT

I was trying to make the web more civil. I was trying to make it more elegant. I got rid of anonymit...
DAVE EGGERS

Gang violence in America is not a sudden problem. It has been a part of urban life for years, offeri...
DAVE REICHERT

It's all very boring to say that we get along great and all that and sometimes we mock up come a...
DAVE EDMUNDS

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
DAVE BARRY

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, includi...
DAVE BARRY

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television witho...
DAVE BARRY

In terms of personalities - I don't care about the personalities, I want leadership that's i...
DAVE BRAT

I became a war hero before going on to critical acclaim as a professional victim.
DAVE PELZER

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
DAVE BARRY

When you please others in hopes of being accepted, you lose you self-worth in the process.
DAVE PELZER

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY

I work 338 days a year, 16 hours a day.
DAVE PELZER

At a family's most difficult time, I want to make sure at a minimum that they have the very basi...
DAVE REICHERT

It's tough to go to sleep at night, and I wake up after five hours because I feel like I'm w...
DAVE GROHL

I taught myself how to play the guitar, I taught myself how to play the drums, and I kind of fake do...
DAVE GROHL

There's poetry in being the band that can sell out Wembley but also makes a record in a garage. ...
DAVE GROHL

My mother was a public school teacher in Virginia, and we didn't have any money, we just survive...
DAVE GROHL

Through Kurt I saw the beauty of minimalism and the importance of music that's stripped down.
DAVE GROHL

Singing into a microphone and learning to play an instrument - learning to do your craft - that'...
DAVE GROHL

My songwriting is like extending a hand to the listener.
DAVE GROHL

I stopped doing drugs when I was 20. I was finished with drugs before Nirvana even started.
DAVE GROHL

In this day and age, when you can use a machine or computer to simulate or emulate what people can d...
DAVE GROHL

I've experienced great things, I've experienced great tragedies. I've done almost everyt...
DAVE GROHL

Wow, I get to wake up again? Ok. You have to make good with what you've got.
DAVE GROHL

I think people should feel encouraged to be themselves.
DAVE GROHL

When you're young, you're not afraid of what comes next. You're excited by it.
DAVE GROHL

Your personal history is a part of what happens with your hands and your head as you play music.
DAVE GROHL

When there's so much left to do, why spend your time focusing on things you've already done,...
DAVE GROHL

There's always gonna be rock n' roll bands, there's always gonna be kids that love rock ...
DAVE GROHL

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's gathering people together to do something fun.
DAVE GROHL

Guilt is cancer. Guilt will confine you, torture you, destroy you as an artist. It's a black wal...
DAVE GROHL

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Copied!

Dave Attell

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Dave Attell

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