Women love to eat out because the idea of having someone else wait on them hand and foot can throw them into something akin to orgasm.

My children used to whine when I tucked them in, 'I'm not tired!' I kindly but firmly say, 'This is not for your benefit, it's for mine. I'm tired. Now go to bed.

Look,' I reason, 'Mommy doesn't wear flowers with lines does she?' She just shrugs as if to say, 'If YOU'RE that controlled by societal opinion, that's you're problem.

Someone told me once that you can’t be friends with your kids. I say that person is an idiot. You quickly realize that making friends with these little people that confiscate most of your waking hours is a smart move on your part.

In bounced my youngest carrying a magic wand and a pair of wings. 'Do you like who I am today mom?' I kissed her and murmured how much into her ear and then covered her lips with lipstick.

My children’s butts seem to be permanently stuck to the living room couch. I often wonder if it’s some kind of earthly magnetic pull that works on teenagers and men past forty.